A Cultural Shift & Relationship Rift

This month we are talking about the two key components that every healthy relationship needs; love and respect. Week one, we talked about what love looks like in a relationship – it's not an emotional feeling, it’s an active choice. In week two, we talked about respect and introduced the controversial subject of biblical complementarianism – the idea that men and women are equal in value but created to fulfill different roles. Today, we are going to talk about a cultural shift which, to many, sounded good but after a few generations, is it working? Stick around to find out what has changed and how it has impacted the way we build relationships.

In 1963, a song was released which captured the burgeoning ideologies of the day entitled “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore. In it, Lesley sings the iconic lines,

“And don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say And please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display...”

The song spoke of the feelings of being controlled, being subjugated, being owned by a husband or boyfriend and quickly became a feminist anthem. Coming out in the early stages of what became known as the sexual revolution, “You Don’t Own Me” struck a chord with teenage girls and repressed housewives alike, who felt empowered by the songs clear and status-quo challenging message. No longer were women going to be relegated to the home, cooking meals, folding laundry and serving their husbands, a message which still hits a nerve today, 60 years after its initial release, with Kristin Chenowith and Ariana Grande picking it back up for a cover in 2019. With that fact in mind, it does beg the question: Has nothing really changed for women’s rights in the last 60 years?

By all observable metrics, women have come a long way in the past quarter century. Women in the workplace is completely normal, we even have countless female CEO’s and independent business owners. On the relationship side, the distinction between what is socially acceptable for a woman to do versus what a man can do are virtually indistinguishable, if not leaning more in favor of the women. The idea that women cannot date whomever they want or even sleep with whomever they want without running the risk of being publicly shamed and ridiculed by the culture is absurdly laughable. In fact, our culture proudly platforms women who flaunt their sexuality and call them beautiful and brave for doing so. It seems that, if not completely satisfied, women should be much happier and more fulfilled than they were not too long ago, but are we?

Now, before any of you get too upset and think that we are blaming all of our cultural and relationship woes on women, guys are definitely not off the hook here, either. During this exact same period of time, the idea of manhood was at a cultural tipping point, as well. President Kennedy took office in January of 1960 and held it until his assassination in November of 1963. A quick google search of his tenure tells us that his presidency was noted for significant events such as the Cuban Missile Crisis, the establishment of the Peace Corps, and his efforts in civil rights and space exploration. This is the JFK most people fondly remember. “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” JFK is also not so fondly remembered for his playboy persona and well-established reputation as a serial cheater. This was also just a few years after the inaugural edition of Playboy magazine first hit the stands in 1953 and pornography went mainstream.

The point we are trying to make is not to start a “which one went first,” “chicken or the egg” type of argument, but to point out that swimming in modern culture which is downstream from a fundamental collapse in the way that men and women were designed to function. Women rejected the notion of respecting and submitting to their husbands in favor of pursuing the promise of more fulfilling pastures outside of the home. Men forsook their role to love and cherish their wives and allowed themselves to become slaves to lesser loves. It’s the garden of eden all over again – God has made clear His design and we fall for the trap of temptation, thinking that we can find a better way. And, maybe the worst part about all of this is that it is all based on a lie.

In proverbs 31, we are given an example of a Godly woman. She’s not chained to the stove or quietly minding her manners while the men-folk get things done. No, she is handling business.

An excellent wife who can find?    She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household    and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates    when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household    and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

As many times as this term is thrown around today, this is a woman who actually deserves to be called “girl-boss!” She takes care of her home, but she also manages affairs of business. The awesome thing is that she can do all of those things not in spite of her husband but out of honor and respect towards him. “Her husband is known at the gates when he sits among the elders of the land,” and that is attributed in part to her role as his wife. And as much honor as she brings to her husband, he returns to her his love and devotion, “...her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” If we had a few more proverbs 31 women AND men, there’s no telling how much better the world would be for it!