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This month, we are responding to one of the most frequently mentioned subjects we have been asked about; cheating. Last week, we kicked off the conversation with understanding infidelity and today, we are tackling cheating in the workplace. Is it time for you to divorce your “office spouse?”
“Work wife.” “Office husband.” These terms have been around for a while now, but not everyone is comfortable with them. Some people argue that the term “work spouse” is completely platonic – no romantic feelings whatsoever. In a 2023 article for Newsweek, Marilyn Whitman from Culverhouse College of Business and Ashley Mandevill from Lutgert College of Business, defined work spouses as, “a distinct interpersonal relationship at work characterized by co-workers with a close, platonic bond similar to the bond of marriage. This relationship develops from an initial attraction—a chemistry resulting from shared interests, values or compatible personalities.” They said, “This couldn't be further from the truth," Whitman and Mandeville said. "Employees enter workplace romances typically for reasons of adventure seeking, sexual experience or job-related motives. Whereas a work spouse relationship stems from feelings of bonding in a domain outside of the home.” They also listed some of the benefits of the “work spouse” relationship, like emotional support, stress relief, like-minded mentorship, streamlined communication and how all of these benefits work together to allow both parties to do their best work.
So far, it sounds like the “work spouse” relationship is something all of us should try out. It sounds great, right? Well, the researchers did point out a few drawbacks, as well. If that person leaves for a better company or gets promoted and you are no longer able to see them every day, those situations can often cause the employee left behind feeling abandoned and disillusioned in their jobs. Conversely, these types of relationships can also make it harder for the person offered the better position to leave, which means they are sacrificing what is best for their actual family’s wellbeing so that they can hold onto this relationship at work, and here is where we start to see the heart of the issue. While the relationship may not have become physical, it has definitely become intimate. When you are telling your “work wife” things that you don’t feel comfortable telling your actual wife, or when you are getting emotional support from your “work husband” rather than seeking it from your actual husband, lines are being crossed and cheating is happening, whether you would admit it or not.
Remember, last week we defined cheating as anytime someone goes outside of the rules of the relationship to meet a need that that relationship was intended to meet. A work spouse, when it doesn’t become a physical relationship, is in, the kindest terms, a really close friend. But here’s the thing, our spouse is not just the person that we are married to, they are our best friends, too. That is part of the package deal that comes with marriage. The whole “forsaking all others” means to pursue our spouse so fully, that at times it will look and feel like we are turning our backs on everyone else for the sake of them, and not because we are obligated to, but because we chose it. This is the life we said that we wanted when we made those vows. They are over and above every other relationship in my life, and that is not a burden to us, but a joy! When we are struggling, when we are stressed about work, they should be the first one we talk to about it. That doesn’t mean that they are always the only one we talk to about it, but they should definitely be the first. And, of course, there are times when it will be necessary to include other people's input, guidance and support, but our spouse is the primary person impacted by every decision we make in life so they should be the one we are sharing those life issues with.
We also need to recognize that, while our “work wife” or “office husband” may be a purely platonic relationship right now, workplace affairs start somewhere. Most people who ended up cheating on their spouse probably didn’t go to their jobs on the first day with the thought, “I want to find someone to have an affair with.” Usually in their apologies, they talk about how they don’t even know how it started and how innocent everything was in the beginning. But then, as time went on the short conversations became longer, the inside jokes became more and more numerous, the looks that no one else understood became their own secret language and the day came when they were feeling upset, frustrated, unsatisfied, angry and felt like they deserved more, and then there was someone already lined up who was willing to give it to them. Proverbs 26:27 tells us, “Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.” A more modern paraphrase might be, “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” Everything is innocent until it is not, and our role in marriage is not to try to see how far we can push something before it crosses the line, but rather to do everything we can to shore up the security of the walls of our marriage, even when it looks like we are shutting others out to do it. A few years back, the media was in a tizzy over the fact that the VP, Mike Pence, would not have meals or be in a car alone with someone of the opposite gender. He was called a misogynist, a creep, a prude, a pervert – but you no what no one else could ever call him? A cheater. No one is going to get to the end of life and think, “I did too much to protect and strengthen my marriage,” but there are countless people who wish they could go back and undo the damage that they let in.
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