Coping vs. Avoiding

This month, we are talking about coping, a skill that seems like it is sorely lacking for many people in our world today. Today, we’re going to look at when we should avoid conflict, when we should address it head on and, if so, how. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That’s a quick verse out of Romans 12, but there is a lot packed into it and it raises a lot of questions. What does it mean to live peaceably? How much does it depend on me and what do I need to be doing to fulfill my end? The phrase “if possible” implies that it it’s not always going to be possible. How do I tell the difference and what do I do when it seems that peace is not an option? These are all valid and important questions to ask, and we’ll start with the first one. What does it mean to live peaceably? Anyone that has been married for even a short amount of time can tell you, just because there is not a verbal argument going on does not mean that you have peace in your marriage. From passive aggressive behaviors to looks like daggers shooting across the dinner table, peace in a marriage relationship can be compromised without a single word being spoken. Peace, then, is not simply the absence of warfare. So, what is it?

This doesn’t just apply to marriage, but in every relationship that we find ourselves in. We treat our lives like they are our own, little empires, and we all take an imperialist mentality at many different times. There are other people's empires and kingdoms all around us, and the lands in between are where our jurisdictions intersect. These lands might be literal places like our schools, our workplaces, our churches; the places where we see and interact with other people. They can also be found online through social media, in the nightly news, in the books we read and any place we traverse where ideas are shared, and thoughts are exchanged. Our natural inclination will always be to want to share our thoughts, our laws and ways of living, in order to recreate the world in our own image and, you know what, this isn’t even a bad inclination, in and of itself. In Genesis 1:28, God commands man, via Adam and Eve, to go out into the world, subdue it and take dominion. This instinct is actually written into the mandate of what it means to be human, and if God is the initiator of this process, then it isn’t a bad thing. The problems started, however, when man fell and our sinful natures were let loose. Now, intermingled with the mandate to subdue the land and create our domains, we have woven in pride, jealousy, wrath, ignorance, cowardice, lust and all of the wicked things that our hearts can produce. Now, your domain and my domain will automatically be in conflict when your sin crosses with mine.

So, how do we find peace in this type of environment? What does peace even look like. Interestingly enough, one of the many titles claimed by Jesus is that of the Prince of Peace. When He and His disciples were caught in the midst a raging storm, He stood up in the boat and said, “Peace, be still,” and the disciples marveled as the storm immediately stopped. In bewilderment, they said to themselves, “Who is this, that even the winds and waves obey Him?” This gives us a clue into how we can not only find peace for ourselves, personally, but in our relationships, as well. Our peace flows out of the Prince of Peace. When we are in alignment with Him, His peace will then start to flow out of us towards everyone else. We access this when we surrender our empires, our little kingdoms, to His. We surrender our rules to His rule, our opinions and preferences to His perfect plan and sovereign will. As we begin to turn over our kingdom to Him, we realize that we are now no longer in imperialist mode, but acting as ambassadors, lower sovereigns under the headship of Christ. So, then, if you are submitted to Christ and I am submitted to Christ, we can’t be at war with each other. Of course, there will still be differences, but now we have both been, undeservedly, grafted into the true kingdom. As the Holy Spirit proceeds in the work of transforming my heart from the inside out, the fruit of the Spirit will start to be made evident in my life, one of which is peace. As I am made aware of my own sinfulness and rebellion and how much I have been forgiven of, it becomes much easier for me to extend that forgiveness outward towards you. As my own pride and selfishness are being revealed, I begin to lose interest in advancing my own kingdom because I am now a blood bought and redeemed citizen of His. All areas of my life, everything I own, every relationship I have now belongs to Him. When we are both living in this new life, peace is the fruit, the natural and unforced byproduct, of the Spirit’s work in and through us. He is the one that unites us and imbues us with the grace, forgiveness, forbearance and longsuffering needed to be able to, for our parts at least, live peaceably with all.

So, we’ve now defined peace. Peace is not the absence quarrels, fights and arguments, but it is the natural byproduct of the Holy Spirit as we mutually surrender our sovereignties to the rule and reign of Christ. Our role in living peaceably is to lay down our pride and selfishness and to live in unity with our brothers and sisters in Christ. For those outside of the kingdom, we are no longer advancing our own empires with our own agendas, but Christ’s. That is why we understand that we are not battling against flesh and blood, so other people are not our enemies. Following the example of Christ, we are to love the lost people around us, call them to repentance and become a lighthouse on a hill, exemplifying to them what a life transformed by God looks like. The trick there is, our flesh, our sin nature, will constantly be warring against us, trying to keep us stuck living in our BC – before Christ – state. When we allow this to happen, this is when we end up making the Gospel and our King look bad in front of the world. When we operate out of our sin rather than our redeemed nature we tarnish our witness to the world, and this is also when we will fall back into our bad habits of trying to impose our kingdoms on others rather than being focused on advancing the true Kingdom of Christ. When we operate in the Spirit rather than in the flesh, once again, the peace of God will flow out from us and we will not be at war even with people walking in the darkness, because the only war that we will be concerned with is the spiritual battle. There are times, as the original verse alludes to, when we just cannot be at peace with other people. It only takes one side in a dispute to declare war, so it is not always in our hands.

The times when peace just is not an option should be few and far between in the life of a follower of Christ. The way that you can know when those times are is by answering these 3 questions: Is it the right enemy? Is it the right battle? Is it the right time to act? If you feel like you are on the verge of a blowup between you and someone else, ask yourself, are they your true enemy? Well, we already know that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, so the answer here is always “no.” Recognizing that this person is not my enemy allows us to put the battle in the right perspective and focus our efforts against the supernatural, spiritual forces whose intent is to bring division and destruction into our lives. When we allow ourselves to lose sight of who it is that we are really warring against, we’ve already lost the battle before it’s even begun. The second question is, is this the right battle. It can be hard not to take the bait to engage in conflict when our pride is wounded or our kingdom feels threatened. But, we have to remember Whose Kingdom we are advancing. Even Jesus, when He was facing false accusations and attacks left and right, would not speak out of turn in His own defense, but would only speak the words given to Him from the Father. If we feel like our kingdom is being threatened, we’ve forgotten that it’s not our dominion we should be concerned with, it’s His. We will constantly be tempted to pull the dead, crucified flesh man out of the grave and let him walk around trying to build and defend his own kingdom once again, but we must not allow our pride to dictate our responses. When we fall into the traps of the enemy, we lose. When we’ve determined that we are focused on the right enemy, and that this is the right battle, we still need to await our orders and only move and act in God’s time. Again, Jesus is the perfect example of this, coming to the world and enduring rejection and hate before being nailed to the cross. Any one of us would have resisted, defended ourselves, fought back and felt like we were right, but it was through His submission to the Father and His will that His sacrifice gave us the opportunity to be redeemed. The thing is, His second coming will look very different. That time, He will be coming back, sword in hand and prepared to deal out the judgement that this world deserves, but even His return is patiently waiting for the exact right moment in submission to the will of the Father. He shows us that it’s not just about the right enemy or the right battle, but the right time, too. We will know when and how to respond, to engage properly and rightly in the conflicts that face us as we, too, as submitted to the leading and authority of God, only saying and doing what He has directed us by His word and His Spirit to say and do.