Dealing With Racism

For a channel all about building healthy relationships that launched in 2021, there has been one huge topic conspicuously absent from our conversations over the last year. Trust me, I have wanted to face this monster head on and I'm sure we will do a whole month on it sometime in the future, but racism is a hard thing to talk about. For those of us who have experienced it’s painful attacks, myself included, it can be a very difficult thing to dredge back up. Before we get started, though, we want to make it clear what this video aims to do.

We are not going to be able, nor are we trying, to address specific views on systemic racism in the United States or anywhere else. We are not trying to answer the question of racism on a broad scale. Instead, we are focusing on racism as individuals and how it has affected personal relationships.

Over the past year, I have seen racism drive a wedge between long-time friends, people of the same race and even interracial married couples. While we cannot deal with the entire broad scope of racism today, we might be able to give you a few tools to help rebuild some broken personal relationships. We know we are entering into a tough topic with lots of strong opinions and deep hurts. We want you to be able to engage in the conversation in the comments section below, but please keep your posts respectful and treat others the way you would want to be treated.

So, where do we begin? First, we want to acknowledge and recognize that racism is still very real and has hurt many people. Seeing the outpouring of frustration, anger and hopelessness that has finally boiled up to the surface this past year is a testament to how many people have been personally affected by it. Racism is wrong. It is evil and the only purpose in our culture is to serve as a cautionary history lesson that should keep us from ever going down that path again.

Now, where do we go from here? After the damage has been done, is it truly possible to rebuild bridges and overcome? One of the most difficult aspects of racism is how deeply it traumatizes those who have experienced it. It causes you to reevaluate every experience you have and filter it through this broken lens. Trauma has a way of keeping the victim trapped in a self-preservation mentality where it becomes impossible to trust others whom they see in the same category as the initial abuser. Many women who have experienced traumatic abuse from their male romantic partner have difficulties trusting men in the future. Children who grow up in abusive homes oftentimes develop a distrust and fear of authority figures. Victims of racially motivated attacks, whether verbal, physical, financial or otherwise, can have a hard time not seeing people of the same race as the attacker as dangerous or untrustworthy. Does that mean that every person of that race deserves to be in the same category? Absolutely not. But, it does mean that they are not simply going to be able to “get over it” and move on. We have to learn to recognize racially motivated trauma as legitimate hurt and to treat those who have experienced that trauma with the same gentleness and compassion as we do for victims of other types of abuse. You cannot expect them to heal and learn to trust again without deliberate measures of intervention. Trust can’t precede healing, but they can grow together.

For those of us who have been on the receiving end of racist attacks, how can we begin the healing process? How can we learn to trust those who we’ve learned to view as the enemy? This is going to be hard to hear, especially after so many people have spent a lot of time this past year trying to convince us that everyone that doesn’t look like us is out to get us. As much talk as there has been about privilege, there are also certain privileges that come with being a victim. As the victim, you have sole claim of the moral high ground in every altercation when perceived through this lens. Victims also have the backing of supporters who are willing to believe them and, many times, enable them to continue living as a victim. It can be very enticing to try to remain in this type of enabled way of living, however it also comes with all of the pains of being a victim as well. Healing is possible, but is it what you truly want? In order to heal and even begin to build healthy relationships across racial lines, don’t start with the big problems in the world and the country or you’ll become paralyzed by the overwhelming weight of it all. Instead, move towards your personal relationships. Start with one or two people you know that seem safe and share with them some of your experiences. As you begin to open up about what has happened in the past, allow them to affirm their love, support and acceptance of you. Trauma takes time to work through and it can come back in waves where you feel fine for a while and then it all comes back at once. For some trauma that is more deeply rooted, seeking out a mental health professional may be necessary, but the hard work is worth learning to live a life no longer under the influence of the trauma.

Like we said before, we know that this is just the beginning of a much longer process, but knowing that there is hope for personal racial reconciliation is the first step. Rather than filling up the comment feed with unhelpful or hateful responses, let us know what constructive steps have helped you move forward and heal in the area of racism. Join us on our YouTube channel or Facebook page at 6pm tonight, October 28th, for our monthly podcast where we will continue this conversation live as well as pick up on some of the other scary and hard to talk about topics we’ve been covering all month.