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So far this month, we’ve discussed the levels of building healthy relationships starting with a strong foundation of friendship and then, during the time spent establishing that friendship, discovering the real-deal similarities, the non-negotiables that can help sustain a relationship for the long run. Today, we are going even further. What happens when you find someone that you’re really connecting with? You may start to notice a sort of magnetism drawing you towards that person which is getting stronger over time. Your desire to be around them and to share more and more moments of life with them is starting to grow, and you find yourself increasingly thinking about them when they’re not around. If you have felt this way before, you are experiencing level 3 to building healthy relationships: Attraction!
So, what is attraction? What is the first thing that comes to mind when we think about it? For many, looks or physical appearance would be right at the top of the list. Sure, if you surveyed people on the street, you will most likely get all sorts of answers like a good sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and others like that, but we don’t often see those aspects reflected strongly in a persons online dating profile. In a culture conditioned to swiping left or right at a glance, have looks truly become the most important thing?
While looks are definitely a factor in overall attractiveness, they are not the entirety of it. The issue is that attraction is not primarily based off of looks, but perception; not simply what we see, but how we see it. This is why a person may be conventionally good looking but because of character flaws, lack of intelligence, immaturity, etc., we would not be attracted to them. On the other hand, a person who we initially may not have felt a strong physical attraction towards could seem to become more attractive over time as we get to know them. Even though most of us could confirm this idea with anecdotal responses, Lucy Hunt, lead researcher of study “Leveling the Playing Field: Acquaintance Length Predicts Reduced Assortative Mating On Physical Attractiveness” from the University of Texas has the data to back up these claims.
“Our results indicate that perceptions of beauty in a romantic partner might change with time, as individuals get to know one another better before they start dating…Having more time to get acquainted may allow other factors, such as another persons comparability as a relationship partner, to make that person appealing in ways that outshine more easily observable characteristics such as physical attractiveness. Or perhaps another person might actually become more attractive in the eyes of the beholder by virtue of these other factors.” – Lucy Hunt, Association for Psychological Science, June 30, 2015
This is why starting your relationships with the right foundation is so important. As the old proverb says, “Beauty is fleeting.” As we discussed earlier, with the rise of online dating, comparison has become a devastating competition where it is only a matter of time before a newer younger and sometimes even digitally or surgically enhanced model can come along and take your spot. This creates an underlying tension your relationships: If you have primarily been building your relationship based off of looks then, deep down, you know that you are replaceable. A relationship rooted in not just what you see but who you are and who they are, established by quality time getting to really know one another, is what makes you irreplaceable. There are many good looking people in the world, but there is no one in the world like you and no one in the world like them. It’s this rarity, or as Lucy Hunt put it, “uniqueness” that creates a lasting attraction. Concerning what are often considered traditionally attractive features versus this “uniqueness” appeal, Lucy Hunt and her colleague Paul Eastwick had this to say:
"For one of our studies, we recruited 129 heterosexual individuals across several small undergraduate classes. These individuals indicated, at both the beginning and the end of the semester, the extent to which the opposite-sex students in their class possessed a set of desirable qualities. We found that consensus dropped and uniqueness increased as these students got to know one another over time. After three months, uniqueness dominated consensus for all desirable qualities: attractiveness, vitality, warmth, potential for success and even the ability to provide a satisfying romantic relationship."
So, at the end of the day, it turns out that what your sweet old grandma always told you is actually kind of true, attraction is really not just about looks but about perception; it’s not just what we see but how we see it!
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