First Comes Love, then Comes... ?

Friendship is the foundation - and we now know exactly how long it takes to establish a strong foundation of friendship before you get to the day in and day out of maintaining it. As you are investing that time, you begin to find some strong similarities, the non-negotiables; ideals, values, goals, and beliefs. As you begin to discover these similarities, you've begun to recognize that you are developing a deep and meaningful attraction towards this person. This is more than a crush. You have found a friend, a confidant, a romantic partner, an irreplaceable person that you want to share the rest of your life with. Once you have found this one person, naturally your thoughts will begin to move forward to the next level of building healthy relationships - Marriage! We've discussed marriage before while looking at a lot of the data and research on its benefits but today we are going to hear from the real experts. These individuals have years of wisdom and experience to share!

In 2015, Professor Karl Pillemer of Cornell University released his book "30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage." (https://www.cornell.edu/video/inside-cornell-karl-pillemers-30-lessons-for-loving)

This book was written based on years of research interviewing 700 retirees who were married, on average, for over 43 years. In a discussion available online, Karl shared many of the key takeaways from his research and book.

So, what did these 700 of the "wisest Americans" have to say about marriage?

Lesson number one, as Pillemer puts it, take the "long view." For younger generations, it is typical to be so future-oriented rather that we can miss the moments right in front of us. In relationships, we can do this by entering into a marriage thinking about how we will now have the opportunity to change our partner and "help" them to become a "better version of themselves." The elders he interviewed universally denounced this idea as something that needed to be completely let go of. "Making your partner a self-help project is a recipe for failure." Another long-view value that was strongly represented in the surveys is the one that we started this whole month on; "Friendship is as important as love." Almost all of them agreed that an initial "spark" of physical attraction was necessary but they always immediately followed those statements with a statement that physical attraction was not enough on its own. Friendship had to be a central part of the relationship or it wouldn't have worked.

Another lesson Pillemer took from his research was the emphasis on positive micro-encounters. Many of the participants spoke of the small, day-to-day acts of kindness and caring that helped them to maintain a healthy relationship over the years. Contrasted with the larger romantic gestures, it was the simple acts of washing the dishes when it would usually be the other partner's turn or spontaneously stepping in to take care of other chores that had the greatest long-term impact.

Addressing the season of life, which Pillemer described as the "middle-aged blur" when a majority of time is being dedicated to raising children and working, many of the participants described a heaviness that would often start to set in. Their encouragement? Lighten up. Infusing your relationship with good humor and positivity is a great way to release tension that might be building up. Another reminder was to simply ask yourself: "Is it worth it? Will this momentary disagreement truly be so important 40 years from now? Is winning this argument right now worth trampling over my partners' feelings?" And all of this, of course, brings us right back to where we started with the long-view approach. Pillemer's experts have even more to share and if you would like to hear his full discussion on "30 Lessons for Loving," we'll put the link in the comments so that you can check it out for yourself!

With just one week left in our year, we still have one more level of healthy relationships that we will cover. First comes love, then comes marriage, but what comes next?