Handling Conflict Well

This month, we have been discussing communication done right and today, we will wrap things up with one problem that might be undermining every good intention you have when it comes to how you communicate when everyone else seems to be bringing their problems and dropping them on you. Our question today is, do you suffer from bad reactions?

So, what is your tell? What is the thing that gives you away when you’re trying to look unbothered when someone is complaining to you, telling you’re doing something wrong, or that you’re not doing enough? Is it your tone? Your posture? Your face? ... You’ve probably figured this out already, but there is a huge difference between looking calm and being calm, and this might be the root of your problem. We often are so preoccupied with how we think other people see us, that it adds an extra layer of anxiety to all of our interactions, especially when those interactions are predicated on an unpleasant topic. We don’t want the other person to know they’ve upset us, so we try to suppress that feeling and pretend like we’re fine. The longer the exchange goes on, however, and the more they keep piling on their grievances, the harder it is to keep our faux composure. We’ve become a pressure cooker of negative emotion and very quickly it starts boiling up and out through our expressions, our tone, our body language and a million other ways. Once the dam breaks, we quickly lose our composure entirely and now a difficult interaction has devolved into a blowup argument, one where whoever wins, you both lose. So, how do we avoid this cycle and manage conflict well?

Instead of trying to suppress your feelings, mentally take a step back and identify how the interaction is making you feel. Do you feel agitated, stressed, hurt, or angry? Whatever the emotion is, it is important to honestly identify what exactly that feeling is. Here’s the truth, you are entitled to feel any way that you feel about whatever situation you find yourself in. Here’s the hard side of that truth; your feelings aren’t always right and should not be the primary driver. For many of us, it’s like a bad parody of that old Carrie Underwood song, “Feelings, take the wheel!” We have all grown up and been completely saturated in a culture that has told us that all of our feelings are valid. To put it bluntly, that’s just not true. In fact, that’s a really dumb way to live. Feelings are reactions to input; when something we like happens, it produces a happy response. When something we don’t like happens, it produces an unhappy response. Input, output. Many times, however, our inputs aren’t always reliable and the information we are taking in may be flawed, corrupted or incomplete, in which case the emotional response will not be appropriate to the truth of the matter. This is why taking a moment to recognize and identify what you are feeling in a moment is so that you can figure out if that feeling is appropriate for the situation.

The next step is the hardest part for many people but is actually one of the most important. Now, you need to tell the other person how this interaction is making you feel. Vulnerability almost sounds like a dirty word for a lot of people. The reason for that is because we all carry a lot of fear in this area. It’s easy to allow yourself to put up the walls and become defensive right off the bat, assuming you know the other person’s intentions and trying to cut them off at the pass. Some of us will even say that we’ve tried vulnerability before and it didn’t work, it just made everything worse. It’s true, vulnerability leaves you open to the potential of greater pain; there is legitimate risk here. We’re not advising indiscriminate openness and giving everyone equal access to your soft targets because not everyone can be trusted. Just like your emotions needed to be questioned and measured, vulnerability needs to be, as well. The way you should respond to a friend is different that the way you would respond to your boss, which is different from the way you would respond to you would respond to a rude customer, which is different from the way you would respond to your spouse. How you question your emotional response will directly inform the level of vulnerability that is appropriate for the interaction you are engaging in.

For example, if you work the front counter at a fast food chain and you are dealing with a rude customer, it is natural to become frustrated, upset or angry. Step one, identify your feelings and then question them; “is this emotional response proportional to the type of relationship I have with this person?” In that situation, this person might be a minor annoyance or a genuine problem, but in either scenario, their bad problem doesn’t have to become yours. Of course, do what you are able to do in order to solve the problem, but if they are just there to make a scene and cause problems, upstream the issue to your supervisor and go on with your day. Sometimes, there are just some really entitled people in the world and if they can’t get what they want, then their aim is to take it out on you. You don’t have to give them your emotional wellbeing to make up for theirs. Carrying the transference of their negativity with you for the rest of the day won’t do either of you any good, so that is a good time to limit your vulnerability to them. Give them honest replies, help if you can, but when they leave, let them take their negativity with them. You don’t need an emotional souvenir from an entitled customer.

On the other hand, a friend, a close family member, or a spouse deserves a different response. Let them know how you are feeling and then what made you feel that way. Then, seek to clarify their position. Is their intent actually to hurt you and make you upset? Probably not. So, what are they needing? Why are the coming to you and what is actually within your power to help them with? It may sound something like,  “I’m feeling very overwhelmed by how you’re approaching me, but I know that is not your intent. I can see that you are upset and I want to help, but I want to make sure that I understand the problem and where you’re coming from.” For someone who genuinely cares about you, this type of a response is like holding up a mirror. Just like you can be overcome and respond in an emotionally inappropriate way, so can they. Giving a genuine and vulnerable response like this may be enough to snap them out of their emotional override and help them recalibrate how they are interacting.

Unfortunately, sometimes even the people that we love feel entitled to blow off some steam and you just happen to be the one in their crosshairs. If this is an out of character moment, it may be best for you to remove yourself from their line of fire until they have time to emotionally regulate. “I understand that you are upset, and you know that I love you, but I don’t think that right now is the best time to discuss this without wounding each other. I do want to help, but I don’t think I can until we can both work with each other instead of attacking each other.” If, however, these types of attacks are the regular M.O. for this individual, you may need to consider setting up firmer and more permanent boundaries with them, at least until they have proven that they can regulate themselves in a mature, respectful and loving way. Regardless of the relationship, abuse should not be tolerated. It always needs to be addressed in a safe way and ongoing abusive should be taken seriously with serious reprocussions, for the safety and wellbeing of both parties.