Healthy Boundaries

I am typically the type of person who tries to extend grace, understanding, forgiveness and keep the lines of communication open for as long as I can because I never want to be the one to push people away. That being said, there does come a time when, for my own safety, health and wellbeing AS WELL AS the betterment of the other person, there does come a time when boundaries need to be set and, at times, even separation becomes necessary. What should your boundaries be and how do you know when too far is too far?

Setting boundaries can be a tricky thing. For some people, they are way too quick to draw dividing lines, cutting off anyone who disagrees with them because “they don’t need that kind of negativity in their lives.” These are the people who reject accountability and don’t want to accept responsibility for their actions. We talked about that in last weeks video, so if that sounds like something you need to hear, you should definitely check it out. On the other hand, a lot of people, and especially many well-meaning Christians, will keep putting themselves out there again and again, hoping that through their compassion and self-sacrifice that they will be able to break through the layers of walls they have put up and help them come to Jesus. And you know what, sometimes that works. Sometimes, there are people who just need someone to care enough to push through their rough exterior and be willing to show the love of Christ in this way. Sometimes, though, as Christians, we can think we are really making a difference when really all we are becoming is an idol – a stumbling block between them and Christ.

How does this happen? First, we have to remember that it’s Jesus who saves and the Holy Spirit who draws each of us unto repentance. Now, that does not mean that we have no participatory role in spreading the gospel or in teaching doctrine or correcting and rebuking sin. Afterall, "How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?” - Romans 10:14. The problem comes, though, when we begin to take on more responsibility for whether or not a person accepts the gospel. We can do our part to ensure that someone hears the truth of Jesus, but we don’t have any say on if they believe it. Getting our roles confused with the roles of Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the salvation of another person is a surefire way to being incapable of establishing, recognizing, and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship. Now, this is just one of the potential motivations driving people to not be able to set up healthy boundaries, but many of them come from the same place. Even in the relationship of two non-believers, we often ask ourselves why someone would stay with an unfaithful or otherwise toxic narcissist when they can clearly see the damage that that person is causing. Many times, they will say that they can see “the real” person, who they are when no one else is around, and they just want to help them overcome their issues and be who they really can be. In essence, they want to become that person's savior. Of course, that’s not the way they would word it, but in effect that is what it is. They want to save that person from themselves. We see this frequently in relationships that deal with abuse, addiction, and other self-destructive cycles. Whether you’re a a believer or not, we all need to hear this; You are not Jesus. You can’t save anyone.

So, how do you recognize where you might be crossing into an unhealthy level of trying to save the other person rather than just simply trying to be a good friend who cares and wants to offer help? Now, these are not the only factors consider, but here are a few good places to start. Ask yourself, how much do you really need this person. I’m not saying that in a bad way, like “Pfft. I don’t need you.” But, how much of your hanging on, trying again and again to reach them but running up against the same brick wall each time is really rooted in you making an idol out of them in your life? At a psychological level, whatever your god is, it is the person or thing that you are willing to make sacrifices for. In Christianity, we lay everything we are at the altar of God.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. - Romans 12:1

Has this person started to become a new, lesser god in your life? You can recognize it by identifying what you are sacrificing, who you are sacrificing to and what you are sacrificing for. If this unhealthy relationship has become an idol in your life, it’s time to start setting healthy boundaries.

Other signs to look for can be much more obvious. Is this relationship abusive – truly? Not just they say things I don’t like or they make me sad sometimes, but do they have a pattern of controlling, manipulative or hostile behavior to force you into compliance to do what they want you to do? What about honesty? Does this person tell you the truth about themselves, their lives, where they are and what they’re doing? If someone is withholding intimacy from you, that means that they have either consciously or subconsciously set boundaries for you that they don’t want to cross. That means, it’s probably a good idea to have a conversation with them. If they don’t want to let you in, it’s not a good idea to give them full access to you, either. One-sided relationships are always a sign that boundaries need to be redefined and set accordingly. Finally, does this person actively pull you away from what you have decided is most important in your life? Is this person causing you to sin or compromise your values?

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God... - 2 Cor. 6:14-16

So, once you have recognized the need to set healthy boundaries and have made them clear to both parties, what do you do when the other person refuses to acknowledge or respect your boundaries. Unfortunately, and this is the hard part, you will need to start enforcing them. Sometimes, that means having an uncomfortable conversation, reiterating the boundaries you’ve established and making them explicitly clear. Sometimes that means pushing the boundaries back even further if they can’t be trusted to maintain the ones you’ve already set. Sadly, there are many times where the relationship needs to be cut off entirely. Especially when we feel like we are that persons only relationship that is speaking life and trying to steer them back towards God, we can feel like letting them go is just giving up on them. When someone has been a part of the Church, called themselves a believer and then chooses to live a lifestyle that is in direct conflict with the clear teaching of scripture and refuses to submit to biblical correction or spiritual authority, we are told not just to stop talking to that person, but the bible uses much stronger language. 1 Cor. 5:5 tells us that this type of person is to be “delivered over to Satan.” That sounds harsh! But, what does it mean. It means that we stop chasing, stop preaching to deaf ears, stop welcoming back in when they clearly don’t want to be a part of the body. You cut ties and don’t allow them to have the illusion that they are in right standing with God and the body of Christ. BUT, and this is a big but, this difficult step has a clearly defined purpose:

You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.

In handing this person over to the devil, you are allowing them to pursue the things that their heart thinks it truly wants, but, when they recognize that the path they desire actually leads to death – the destruction of the flesh – they might still come to saving faith in Christ once they’ve come to the end of themselves. If someone truly wants something, telling them over and over again that they can’t have it usually only makes them want it more. But, as the old saying and hundreds of songs go, “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” Sometimes, people need to be allowed to experience the full consequences of what they think they want so that they can finally rid themselves of those unhealthy desires and not want them anymore.

I know this is a hard lesson to hear, especially right before Christmas, but for those of you who have struggled with the byproducts of unhealthy, unbalanced, or abusive relationships, this might just have been the lesson you needed to hear!