Hierarchy of Communication

This month, we are talking about communication done right. Maybe you’ve noticed, but our culture is just not designed to be conducive to healthy, respectful and productive communication, which is a huge problem because communication is the bedrock for strong and healthy relationships. So, this month we’re going to be talking about some of the tools we’ve become accustomed to which were supposed to improve our communication, but have actually ended up making things worse? What is the balance between technology and talking it out?

When it comes to communication on a multiple times a day basis, texting has become the go-to for most of us. It’s fast, it’s easy, you can send a message quickly and get back to what you were doing and then just get a notification when the other person responds. But, when it comes to ranking texting against the other forms of communication we’ll be discussing today, it comes in at the very bottom of the hierarchy. Why? It’s not that texting is bad and we’re definitely not saying that you should never text, but texting is the lowest because it leaves the most gaps in the information that you’re trying to convey. Now, there are times when texting could be the best option. For example, if I go to the grocery store and text my super cool husband, Nathan, to see if there is anything that he needs me to pick up while I'm there. Then, he’ll text me back a short list: milk, eggs, cheese, toothpaste... and the while I’m at the store, I can have that list to refer back to and I don’t have to worry about forgetting anything. That’s great! Using texts to send quick bits of clear information are a great way to use this tool, but there are times when texting definitely falls short.

Here's where texting might have some trouble. Let’s say that I text my wife in the middle of the day, “Hey babe. I was just thinking about you. How’s your day going?” and a few minutes later, she responds with, “Fine.”...

What does that mean?

It could be, “Fine,” like, “I’m good, but I’m kind of busy, what’s up?” It could be “Fine,” like, “I’m actually having a really rough day, but I don’t really want to talk about it.” Or, it could be “Fine,” like, “You’re not getting off the hook that easy,” and she’s mad at me! How do I know which “fine” she means? It’s not going to be based off of what she actually means, but it will be up to my interpretation of what I think she means. This comes back to those gaps in information that Allie was talking about. Since I don’t have the context of facial expressions, body language, tone, pitch, pacing, proximity – then all of those blank spaces will naturally be filled in not by how she actually feels but how I feel about her response. If I was trying to extend an olive branch and tell her that I’m thinking about her after a hard morning and then she just responds with, “Fine,” I might feel like she is still mad at me and holding a grudge. I was trying to be nice and she just wants to stay mad, so I respond with, “What’s your problem?” In reality, she was going to respond with more, but one of her kindergarten students came up right then with snot all over his face saying, “Mrs. Cunningham, I need help.” So, she sends a quick fine to let me know she got the message, intending to help the kid, come back and complete her thought, but when she picks up her phone, now she sees, “What’s your problem?” And guess what, now we have a problem! It’s easy to see how quickly things can turn sideways in our communication when we’re using the wrong tools, but this whole issue could have been avoided if, instead of texting, I had just called her. Then, I could hear her voice and just by how she says the word “fine,” I’ll know exactly how she’s feeling because now I have more of those non-verbal informational cues.

Hearing the other persons voice on the phone gives more information than even sending a text with emoji’s. Have you ever sent a message as a joke, but the other person took it the wrong way and got offended? Or, have you ever responded to someone sarcastically and they thought you were being sincere? Gif’s and Emoji’s can bridge some of that gap, but speaking with someone on the phone is going to be a much clearer way of getting those messages across. What’s even better than a phone call, though, is FaceTime. Now, not only do you have the audible cues to pick up on, but expressions and visual context, as well. This is where you’re going to start to notice that as you move up the hierarchy of communication, honesty becomes more and more of a necessity. I mean, how easy is it to lie in a text message? Pretty easy, right. Now, obviously, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to lie on FaceTime, but if your S.O. told you that they were at their grandma’s house baking cookies but you can very clearly see that they are at the club with someone who doesn’t look old enough to be anyone’s grandma, it makes maintaining the lie a bit more complicated.

At the top of the hierarchy of communication is face to face, in the same room, having a conversation. Here, you will be able to send and receive all of the verbal and non-verbal cues so that your messages have the best opportunity to come across clearly. It’s important to remember that we don’t get to choose how the other person interprets the messages that we send, so it is our responsibility to provide as much contextual information alongside the actual words that we are using in order to get the message across clearly. It is especially in the high emotion conversations that we want to strive for that face to face communication because there are already going to be so many feelings and thoughts floating around in both of your heads that will be pushing both of you towards defensiveness and making it difficult to really hear what the other person is saying. Some people feel like they would much rather text in those times because then they can word everything exactly how they want it without slipping up and saying something in the heat of the moment that they will regret. It’s true, that might happen, and for many people, it probably will. This is an area where it is important to learn self control and especially to tame your tongue. James 3 warns us,

“How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life,[a] and set on fire by hell.[b]7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

Texting may seem like an easier way to keep yourself from saying something that you will regret, but it is also exercising your lack of self-discipline. It won’t help you to be a better communicator in the future, but it will keep you from being able to develop the necessary tools for those difficult times when you don’t have the option of texting because the person is standing right in front of you. It’s not easy, but if you can learn to become a better communicator, every relationship in your life is going to experience the benefits.