How Should You Ask Them Out?

Right up front, we have to say that there are right ways and wrong ways to asking someone out. Yes, there is plenty of grey in the middle, but if you think shooting someone a quick text or sliding into their DM’s is a good idea, think again. We’re getting all of that weak trash out of here as today we’ll be covering how to ask someone out as well as how to respond when they say yes or no.

Tip number one before you ask someone out is to Do Your Homework. How well do you know this person? Are they already in a relationship with someone else? Are they at a place in their lives where they are interested in starting a romantic relationship? Do they have similar expectations for the type of relationship that you are looking to build, like do they date to date or date to mate? These are all the types of questions you can answer very easily by starting in the Friend Zone or in the group dates we covered in last week's video. If you have invested the time in getting to know them, then you won’t be blindsided by the embarrassment of finding out they are already dating someone else. Also, don’t use the cover of “becoming friends” as a means of getting close enough to ask them out. Genuinely start all of your relationships from the foundation of friendship with no ulterior motives and if you start to recognize overlapping similarities and a growing attraction, then you can consider taking the step to ask them out.

Our next tip to asking someone out is to remember that Your Methods Matter. Sure, a text or a DM might make it easier if their response is not the one you were hoping for, but when you go with a method that keeps you at a safe distance, it subtly conveys that they aren’t worth the risk. Sure, asking in person can be difficult and maybe even embarrassing for both of you if they say no, but it shows intentionality. This doesn’t mean you need to make some huge, romantic gesture standing outside of their window with a Bluetooth speaker in the rain, but face to face is definitely the best. How you ask them out also sets the tone for your approach to the rest of the relationship, will you be an active or passive partner down the line. If you choose the path of least resistance now, why would they expect you to take a more active role and take risks in the future?

3rd, make sure if you are asking someone out, that you have somewhere or something to ask them to do with you. If you have invested time getting to know them already, you don’t need the awkward coffee date. This means that you can move on to the fun stuff. A school dance, a concert of a band or artist that THEY love, an art exhibit at a museum (bonus points because it gives you more time to talk!), catching a game of their favorite sport or even going with a few other friends to a theme park together. Make sure that whatever you choose, it’s fun and not just something you would do any other day. Make the date something to look forward to and not something they’ll have to potentially be nervous about.

So, all of that sounds great, and it should! But, what if they say yes? That’s easy. Follow through, be respectful and try to relax. For follow through, if you set a time to meet them, be there a little bit early. If you invited them somewhere that costs money, secure tickets ahead of time. If you said other people would be going, don’t surprise them by showing up alone. Make the date exactly what you invited them to. While on your date, remember that the goal is not to try to round bases and see how far they will let you get, it is to have fun and build a relationship with that person. Enjoy the little moments of sitting beside each other on a ride or holding hands as you walk through an exhibit. Don’t get caught up in what you could get out of it but actively look for ways that you can give to them. Without the pressure of trying to make your move, you’ll find it a whole lot easier to relax and simply have fun together. If you are trying to build towards a future together, these are the types of moments the majority of your life will be. You want to be someone they can actually see themselves with long-term, and that means they need to be able to get a picture of what life with you looks like.

Of course, things don’t always work out the way you had planned, so what do you do if they say no? If you happen to hear the “thanks, but I think we’re better off being just friends.” line, does that really mean try harder or ask me again in a couple of weeks? No. I know that it can be hard to hear, but no one is obligated to go on a date or develop romantic feelings towards you. Maybe you did take a good amount of time getting to know them at first and you thought they were having similar feelings towards you, but our minds can play tricks on us and our perception isn’t always right. If you cared about them, respected them, valued them and appreciated the friendship before, there is no reason other than pride that you can’t continue to do all those things now. Also, you’re not doing yourself any favors by holding onto the hope that eventually they’ll come around. Does that happen sometimes? Sure, but in the meantime, just accept that they’re no really does mean no and move on. Many people have missed the amazing opportunities in front of them because they couldn’t let go of what was never theirs to begin with.

Well, that is our short list of tips on how to ask someone out on a date. Let us know which one stood out to you in the comments below and if this was helpful to you, please share it with your friends as well. Make sure to join us again next week as we continue our August series on dating and courtship!