More on Boundaries: Family

Earlier this year, we asked you, our viewers what were some topics that you wanted to learn more about and one of the most popular responses we got was that you wanted to hear more about boundaries! Well, for the month of September, we’re going deeper on this topic that you wanted most as we’re talking about family boundaries.

Today, we’re going to be giving you some insight into why the people that we should be able to love the most are often the ones who cause us the most hurt and we’ll be giving you a few steps that can help improve the quality of your family relationships.

Family can be tough. They are the ones who we have known the longest, grown up with, shared so many life experiences with so they should be the ones we can count on to understand us the most and be in our corner. Sadly, things don’t always work out that way. Some of our families can even become very dysfunctional and it might even seem like it would be easier to cut some of them out of our lives completely.

While there are times when it may be necessary to end or dial communication way back with individuals who are in a particularly hurtful place, that is definitely not necessary every time. Sometimes, rather than the nuclear option of cutting someone out completely, we can set internal boundaries that will help us not to continue to be hurt while allowing us to appreciate the family member for who they are. These boundaries are all about managing our expectations.

To reset our personal boundaries like this, first we have to recognize that what is isn’t always what was. Maybe while I was growing up, we spent a lot of time together, we had a very close relationship and a strong level of intimacy. Over the years, maybe we haven’t had as much time together, maybe one of us has made a number of poor life choices, maybe we have been hurt in other areas or a million other possibilities, but who we were then is just not who we are today. This can be hard to accept because we naturally feel like we should be able to just pick right back up where we left off, but both of us have changed. If we continue to operate with the same level of vulnerability that we had in the past even though the intimacy is not the same, we are bound to disappoint and let one another down. In order to appreciate what is, sometimes we have to be willing to let go of what was and adjust our boundaries to match the current relationship.

Next, when we recalibrate our personal boundaries with family, it’s important to recognize that what we want may not be what they can give. Sometimes, set our relationships up for failure because we expect someone to give us something that they simply can’t. Maybe you have a parent that you don’t seem to be able to connect with very deeply but you continue to pursue something better.

There may be legitimate reasons that you are unaware of that keep them from being able to open up. Maybe they process life much differently and they don’t have the ability to recognize what you are wanting because they would never want it themselves. Maybe they are just speaking a different love language than you, (we covered those back in March) and you’re both missing messages because of that. Whatever the case, if you continue to look to this family member to feed a relational or emotional need that they are just not equipped to do, you find yourself being repeatedly let down and hurt. Instead of staying stuck in this cycle, it may be time to reset your personal boundaries in this relationship to accommodate for how deep they are willing or able to go.

Finally, sometimes we need to come to terms with the fact that what should be is not always what we get. When you are a part of an unstable home or a dysfunctional family, you will never be short on examples of other people in other families who seem like they have it better or easier than you, and sometimes that might actually be the case. Mothers should be nurturing and caring towards their children. Fathers should be protecting and giving their families a sense of security. Your siblings should be some of your best friends and always have your back. Sadly, some mothers neglect their children, some fathers abuse their families and some siblings are jealous, angry and always ready to cut you down. These are the types of family relationships that may need more clear and direct boundaries. These family members may never apologize for their behaviors, admit to wrong doing or even acknowledge it, but you don’t have to allow their broken areas to become your own. You are not responsible for fixing your family or rescuing them from the consequences of their choices and actions, but in order to come to a place of healing you will need to come to a place of forgiveness coupled with setting clear boundaries on your presence, your time and your expectations.

Next week, we will be back talking about setting boundaries within the context of your friendships!