Online Adultery

For September, we have been discussing one of our most frequently cited topics: cheating. This week, we’re going to look at one of the most common places these types of relationships are creeping in – online. Whether it’s sliding into the DM’s, subscribing to a stranger’s O.F. account or keeping that Tinder profile active with all of your “just in case” potential hook ups, we’re breaking down these modern cheating traps and showing you healthy boundaries and expectations to set up in their place.

To start our conversation, I actually want to begin from a premise that seems like it should be obvious, but for a lot of people, it isn’t: Faithfulness and fidelity are bare minimum expectations for a healthy relationship. There is no prize for not cheating on your husband or wife, or girlfriend or boyfriend. Setting boundaries for who you will DM and what times are appropriate, deleting certain apps, and not visiting certain sites should not make you stand out as an exemplary spouse or significant other; you’re just doing the basic things to protect your relationship and prioritize it appropriately. If you’re not ready for all the exclusivity that comes with being in an exclusive relationship, then you’re not ready to date.  That doesn’t mean you should just go around and have hook ups and one night stands as often as you like until you decide that you’re ready, it means you are immature, you need to deal with that and then, when you are ready to love another person sacrificially and exclusively, come back and start again.

So, now that that is settled, let’s tackle some of those persistent questions that people keep sending us about online boundaries, starting with DM’s. If you are in a committed relationship, should you have ongoing private conversations with other people who are not your spouse. This behavior is not always sexual in nature and could be otherwise totally innocent, but is it appropriate. Here is a helpful guide to figure out if your DM’s are safe or need to move to a group message: Necessities, Surprises and Secrets. Starting with necessities – is the communication needed and/or does it need to be private? A lot of married people necessarily have to work and be in communication with many people of the opposite sex just to get through the day. That is completely normal, healthy and productive behavior. A spouse or significant other who has no prior reasons to question your faithfulness should not have any problem with you communicating needed things with your colleagues, with the accommodation that they have access to your emails, phone logs and texts whenever they have questions. That’s not an unreasonable ask and if you are honest and open in your communication with them, they won’t have reason to be checking your messages every single day. Surprises are things that they will know, in time and it will be good for them, while secrets are things you are willfully keeping from them, oftentimes convincing yourself that it is for their protection when it is usually for your own. Obviously, surprises are a great thing in a to keep joy and spontaneity in the relationship. Secrets undermine the foundation and sew seeds of distrust between the two of you. Your private messages should never fall into the “secrets” category.

What about O F? Or any adult site, for that matter? I mean, people get into some very weird stuff these days. I recently have heard of Cam girls selling their bath water, their used undergarments, even their bottled sweat to their followers for absurd amounts of money. And, for the record, any amount of money for another person’s bottled sweat is absurd. And gross. And, yes, I'm k-shaming, because it’s shameful. Deal with it. That being said, any of these adult sites are falling into the clear category of searching outside of the bounds of the marriage relationship for needs that are meant to be met within that relationship. If you are that desperate to drink someone’s bathwater, let it be your spouses – and never tell anyone you do that. Then you don’t have to worry about some dude online shaming you.

Tinder hookups and one-night stands. Should you delete your apps when you enter into a new relationship? Well, that depends. Are you trying to build a healthy relationship that will be able to last or is this just another fling. If you took the second option, rewind this video and listen to what Jerrod said about maturity ‘cause you’re not there. Hookup apps are made for hookups, not relationships. If you’re looking for love in the place where everyone else goes to sleep around, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for and you’ll most likely find a lot of heartache instead. So, our advice – Don't wait to find a new partner to delete your tinder, do it right now. If you are training yourself that for every potential match you get, there are 10 more waiting in line to take their spot, you are setting yourself up for failure. Prepare yourself now for the relationship you want to have, work on becoming the person who can attract the one you actually want to be with and once you find them, set up boundaries to protect that relationship and give it the fighting chance that it deserves.