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On the surface, dating has changed a good bit in the last few decades but when you take a closer look is it really all that different? Instead of fast forwarding a VHS from the local video dating service, we now have the ability to swipe left or right using dating apps on our phones.
With all of the options for dating apps, which one is better than the rest? Also, are dating apps really the best option for creating long lasting and healthy relationships or do we need to take the analog approach when it comes to our love lives? That’s exactly what we will be covering today!
It seems like you can’t spend any amount of time online or streaming your favorite shows without seeing countless commercials for the most popular dating apps. Between Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Hitch, Match and eHarmony, each app claims to be the best at what they do, but due to the differences in HOW they do it, some are a better choice than others when it comes to the health of the relationships they produce.
Tinder, the most popular and financially successful of the group, operates under the common perception is that it is actually used more as a hook-up app rather than for dating. Tinder, itself, seems to lean into this rather than away with its visual design and its activity on social media.
On the other side of the spectrum are Match and eHarmony. With built in pay-gates and extensive profile questionnaires, Match seems to be for those looking to establish long-term relationships and eHarmony is specifically wired for those looking towards marriage. According to a Wall Street Journal article*, couples meeting through these types of online services today are actually creating stronger marriages than the more traditional route of the in-person dating scene.
So, does all of this mean that in order to develop meaningful relationships in 2021, you’re going to have to go online? Well, we’ve discussed dating apps and traditional dating but there is a resurgence of a much older way of coupling that is starting to get some traction again; what is the deal with courting?
So courting, in the strictest sense, refers to the way that couples would form in our grandparent’s generations. It was a slow and steady approach to getting to know each other better in non-intimate settings but the goal from the beginning was always to find a marriage partner rather than a college fling. Couples would often spend time with each other's families and in groups and abstinence was often an expectation.
With all of the changes in how we engage with one another over the past year, according to multiple articles appearing in publications from Cambridge Day* to the New York Times*, courtship seems to be making an unlikely comeback.
So, while more people over the last year have begun using dating apps to find a special someone, many of them are actually, and perhaps, unintentionally using the older model of courtship to move the relationship forward. So, this is what is going on in the world, but what do we recommend?
If you are considering taking the dive and entering into the romantic world, we strongly encourage what we call “Date to Mate.” If you’re not intending to build a relationship that you want to lead towards marriage, then simply wait. With all of the social pressures and cultural expectations, we know that is easier said than done, but there are really only 2 ways a relationship can go, either you stay together... or you don’t. That means that for every relationship you begin that you weren’t intentionally leading towards marriage, you were either passively or intentionally driving it towards a break-up.
We've said before that marriage is not a guarantee, but building a relationship towards any other goal almost certainly is. Aside from the “Date to Mate” philosophy, we also encourage you to have clearly understood expectations from both parties before you decide to take your relationship further. In the end, it is up to you to define the terms of your relationship with your partner because dating to you may not mean the same thing that dating means to them. Entering the relationship with fuzzy expectations makes for unclear boundaries and one or both of you is bound to get hurt.
Lastly, these relationships should be built on a growing love and respect for one another. If you are feeling pressured to go further, do more or perform in a way in order to keep your partner's interest or risk losing the relationship, this is a big red flag telling you to “Get Out!” If they don’t respect you now, they’re not going to respect you more down the road by giving them what they want. Love is not selfish. Love is not arrogant or rude. It is not irritable or resentful and it does not insist on its own way. In the world today, true love is a rare and beautiful thing. Never sell yourself short in your relationships because you are rare and beautiful, too.
We hope that whether you’re spending it with friends, family or a significant other, that you have a great Valentine’s Day weekend!
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