Redefining Love - 1 Corinthians 13:5

Last week, we kicked off our June series on redefining love where we will be focusing on the Biblical definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13 and weighing it against the way our modern culture tends to think of love. Starting in verse 4, we read, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant...” and this week we are picking up in verse 5, “or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” Many times today, people find themselves in relationships where they can be seemingly deeply in love and sweeping eachother off of their feet one moment and then screaming for all the neighbors to hear and throwing curling irons, blow dryers and tv remotes at each other the next. When asked about their behavior, they will often say something like, “We’re both just really passionate people,” followed up with, “but that’s what we love about each other.” Today, we’re going to analyze that defense and see if it holds up. Are you really just a passionate person, or are you simply just a jerk? Stick with us to find out.

I remember the first time, and probably the only time, my wife ever made me sit down and watch “The Notebook” with her. First off, I hate chick flicks and “The Notebook” is like the pinnacle of chick flick movies. As the movie progressed, we watched these two people who were supposedly in love berate, manipulate, deceive, abuse and assault one another time and again, but at the end of the movie I am supposed to get bought in to the idea that they were just soul mates whose love could not be tamed. I call bull crap. That movie was terrible and its message was even worse. Lying to, using and abusing one another on and off for decades is not love, these characters were both just selfish jerks and there was nothing romantic about their relationship whatsoever. Sadly, I have seen plenty of relationships in real life that have bought into the same mentality, “Yeah, we hurt each other and treat each other like crap, but that’s just because we’re both really passionate, fiery personalities. Underneath it all, we really do love each other.” Sorry, that’s not love. This isn’t a personality issue as much as it is a lack of maturity. Let us explain.

What other type of relationship would you excuse that type of behavior? If your friends paid for you to go on trips with them and bought you lots of expensive gifts, but they were constantly berating you, yelling at you and sometimes became physically aggressive towards you, would you consider them a “good friend?” If a co-worker always came through on the big projects but was otherwise verbally abusive, treated you like garbage in front of the rest of the staff and frequently became so mad that they would break things or punch the wall, would you describe them as someone you would want to continue working with? In any other area of life, you wouldn’t tolerate behavior like this, but you know where you do see it? At a preschool playground. Toddlers who haven’t developed the social acumen to be able to regulate their behavior towards others will consistently bounce back and forth from, “You’re my best friend, I love you.” to “That’s mine. We’re not doing that.” and then resorting to a physical attack. The thing is, when we see this behavior in toddlers, we still don’t excuse it, we address it. Why, then, do we make excuses and give exceptions for this type of behavior in what are supposed to be our most loving relationships? Are you?

Love is not rude. It does not insist its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. Each one of these behaviors is rooted in putting yourself over the other person. When we are rude, we are intentionally being offensive, disregarding the thoughts and feelings of the other person. When we always have to make sure that things are done the way that we want them, again we are showing that our preferences, our comforts, our opinions are really the only ones that matter to us. Irritability. This one is tough. When we are already tired, stressed and agitated, it can be easy to lash out at others even when they don’t deserve it. Our behavior is saying, “I’m mad. I have a right to be mad and I have the right to express my anger.” Now, if we stopped there, then there wouldn’t be a problem. All of those are true statements; even in a loving relationship, you will get mad at each other from time to time. It’s how we choose to express our anger when we cross the line. We decide that because we are upset that we have the right to take out our frustrations on the people around us. Literally, we want them to feel as bad as we do, so we weaponize our anger in order to pull them down to our level. The old sayings tell us that misery loves company and hurt people hurt people. Love is being gracious and extending that grace to others even when it is difficult. Finally, love is not resentful. Love doesn’t hold onto past offenses, only to bring them up at the opportune moment of an argument. Nothing stings and sours a relationship like pulling up old wounds and throwing them in the other person's face, especially when they have shown true repentance and worked hard to change.

These types of behaviors are all signs of an immature, self-love rather than the type of selfless love we are called to exhibit in scripture and perfectly modeled for us by Christ. If you want your relationships to grow and become healthy, it might be time to stop making excuses for immature behavior and to start loving them like you love yourself. Leave the false-pretenses of passion to the chick-flicks and soap operas and work towards mature, selfless love. Next week, we’ll continue working through the biblical definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. If you are finding this series challenging or even if you have questions, let us know what you think in the comments section below.