Respect

For the month of December, we are covering to keys that every relationship needs and so many of us are bad at: Love and Respect. Last week, we defined love and showed how you can love others better. This week, we are talking about respect and we’re asking the question: Are you doing it wrong?

So, how respectful are you? When we are in relationships, the lines between playful banter, sarcastic humor and disrespect can become very blurred. The more comfortable we become with someone, the easier it is to let our guard down and our regular boundaries of polite decorum get loosened, as well. Sometimes, those boundaries can become so loose that we can become hurtful without intending to be. The problem is, going back after the fact and trying to redraw the lines of respect can then make it feel like you are sacrificing a part of the relationship in order to not hurt anyone's feelings and it can almost feel fake compared to the way it was before. So, how can we establish healthy boundaries of respect without losing intimacy?

First, we have to recognize that respect is all about boundaries. Boundaries can almost sound like the antithesis of an intimate relationship, but this thought actually reveals that we don’t really understand how respect and boundaries work. Boundaries protect us, so you may be thinking, “Why would my partner feel they need to protect themselves from me?” But, look at it this way. Boundaries are meant to provide a sense of safety. This means that inside of the boundaries is freedom. Inside of the boundaries, trust can be established and built upon. Now, respecting your partner's boundaries is no longer about keeping you out of something, but about you providing a safe place for them to share with you. Boundaries can also expand, so something that is off limits for right now, could be opened up later on.

When it comes to respect and boundaries, we typically think of physical boundaries, especially within the context of physical intimacy. Respect and boundaries, however, apply to every aspect of our lives and are probably getting crossed more in the other areas than we would think. Here’s an example of a healthy boundary, “I’m not going to call names or make personal attacks when I am upset or when we are in an argument.” That is a great boundary to have! Here’s one that is very similar, but see if you can spot the important difference. My wife tells me “You are not allowed to call me names or make personal attacks when you are upset or when we are in an argument.” It should be pretty obvious. The first example was a boundary I have put in place, a line that I am unwilling to cross. The second is a boundary that I did not establish, but was put in place against me to stop me from doing something that I shouldn’t have been doing anyways. If you find yourself in a relationship where you feel like you are having a bunch of rules put on you, ask yourself; “have I been doing something that would require a rule like that to be made?” If I have already established a precedent that I am going to be respectful and kind to my wife, even when I’m upset, she will never feel the need to tell me that I can’t speak to her or treat her in a disrespectful way. This is a very important key, self control is crucial to respect being done well. If I am able to set boundaries for myself in how I treat those around me and abide by them, then other people will not feel the need to tell me how I can or should act. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you to stop, set boundaries ahead of time for yourself that show that you can be trusted to care for the other person well.

Now, here is a part of the Bible that a lot of people don’t like and one that alot of pastors only want to talk about one side.

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul writes:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

...Wives, submit? Respect your husbands? I have heard a lot of sermons focusing on the husbands loving their wives and laying their lives down for her – no one has a problem with that! But gender specific requirements telling women to submit to their husbands??? This is definitely not a christian book bestseller if it were written today! The concept described here is one known as complimentarianism – the idea that men and women have separate roles, separate responsibilities towards one another and within the world, but both equal in value. One of the issues people have with this view today is that passages like this have been used by wicked husbands to domineer and demand respect and dutiful obedience from their wives, controlling them even to the point of abuse, while still saying, “The bible says you have to submit!” To address that quickly and bluntly, that is evil. But, on the flip side, for the many people arguing for what is known as egalitarianism – the idea that men and women are completely equal and interchangeable in role – that concept falls short very quickly when you hear someone breaking into the house in the middle of the night. “Honey, we are totally equal, so it’s only fair that you also go down and deal with the burglar. I’ll get it next time.” That would be absurd and wrong! If we recognize that, by virtue of the way that men and women were created differently, we are suited to serve in different roles in the family and in culture, then we should be able to alleviate some of the friction that we may be feeling when it comes to women respecting and submitting to their husbands.

Just as it would be morally reprehensible for a husband to utilize his strength to abuse and dominate his wife, it is equally sinful for a woman to subvert her husband, to cut him down with biting remarks, to shame him. Women, you have the unique ability to slip through your husbands armor – the armor that is necessary for him to protect and provide for you and your family in a world with principalities and wicked rulers out to destroy you – and that is a place of intimacy and vulnerability. To then utilize that gift in a way which takes advantage of the closeness in order to inflict greater damage is a betrayal of the sacramental vows you made. A husband who is fulfilling his role well is protecting you from forces that you will never know about and shouldering burdens, many times without recognition or complaint, for the joy of knowing that he is serving the people he loves most. Cut his legs out from under him at your own peril, because the load he is bearing will have to fall somewhere. A husband who is not fulfilling his role well but wants to will never be able to stand long with you joining the opposition against him.

As men, it is our role to love our wives and our families with the love of Christ – to be a visual reminder everyday of Christ’s love to the Church to them and the world around us. For women, respect and pray for your husbands. Submit to the authority God has entrusted to them and be the one he can always count on to come alongside as the helper God placed in his life. Now, let the comments section erupt!