Rethinking Dating

According to Google Trends, “How To Date” was the most searched phrase in the last couple of weeks. Over the last year, conventional modern dating methods came to a screeching halt, morphed into apps based, virtual dating and, now that many things are opening up again, many people are having a hard time getting back on the bicycle. Before you decide to dive back into the dating game with the same playbook, we would like to offer a few helpful thoughts that might bring you more success in your romantic life.

The first question for you to think about is, “Why do I want to date?” What is the motivating factor driving you to get back out there or to dive in in the first place? A few common responses that we hear from many students and young adults are boredom (you just want to have someone to pass the time with), social pressure (you don’t want to be left out of what it seems like everyone else is doing), status or clout (dating makes you more popular and gives you social currency), free food (seriously, I’ve gotten that response more times than I can remember) and of course, sex! Now, it’s typically not myopic and more often than not, it’s a combination of a few of these or a hundred others that you could name, but the truth is that none of these are good reasons to enter into a romantic dating relationship with another person. Think about it, would you want someone to be with you as a time filler, their ticket to popularity or to just be at their disposal for sex until something or someone better comes along? Of course not. So, if your reasons for dating are similar to these, it’s time to hit the reset button.

Our second question for you to think about is, “Why do I want to date this specific person?” Is it because you want to get to know them better? Are you physically attracted and want to see if it can grow into something deeper? Is it simply because they are available? Or...do you actually love this person? Not pine for, daydream about or lust after, but do you have genuine, selfless love for this person, want what is best for this person and are willing to step into this role with the intent to make their life better? Yeah, we know that is a big question and a lot to ask of someone before they have even started dating, but the mentality you enter this relationship with is the one that will direct the choices that you make in it. Maybe you’ve never thought about dating this seriously before; not as a try-before-you-buy money back guarantee, but as an intentional step towards a potential future with this person. If this is the first time you’ve looked at dating through this lens, it’s time to hit the reset button.

Our third question for you to think about is, “What does ‘dating’ look like to me?” Now, here I have to point out that the order of these questions is important. We don’t want to put the cart before the horse, so we need to make sure that our motives for dating and seeking an intentional relationship with this person are healthy. If my motives are skewed, then the way dating looks to me will be skewed as well. If dating is the pre-requisite for sex, then our “dates” are going to be subconsciously designed to bring us towards that end goal. If I am dating this person because I am trying to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, if I am with them because I genuinely want what is best for their future, then the date is going to look very different. Are we alone in my apartment watching a vaguely interesting b-movie on Netflix or are we out with friends or even family and building those bonds as well? Do I find myself racing to the finish line, however I would define that, or am I deliberately delaying self-gratification for the sake of deeper and more meaningful communication? If dating to you looks like the shortest possible path to the bedroom, then it’s time to hit the reset button.

The last thought we want you to carry with you as you consider entering or re-entering the dating world is this, “If this relationship does end, will I have done my part to make sure that I am leaving this person better than when we started?” when it comes to dating, if you don’t feel like you are ready to take on the responsibility of another person's heart, even and maybe especially from yourself, it’s time to hit the reset button.

Allie: Hopefully, these questions are giving you somethings to pause and consider before you enter your next dating relationship. If you are trying to get back into it, think about what it looked like before and you realize you are wanting something more out than the previous cycle offered, now is a great time to make a change. Remember, we’ll be talking about dating and courtship all month long, so make sure you are subscribed to our YouTube channel so that you don’t miss what’s to come.