Similarities in Relationships

Last week we began our December series on the five levels of building healthy relationships. We started by establishing a strong foundation of friendship but now it’s time to go deeper. So, how can you know which friend is the right friend to invite them to become your special friend? (That was lame. I apologize.)

Anyways, as you are investing the time in building a strong friendship, you are going to start to recognize some similarities. Similarities are simply things that we have in common with another person; interests, likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc. So, is it enough to both be into the same bands and like the same movies? We’ll discuss that and more as we continue discussing the second level of building healthy relationships; Similarities.

“We have so much in common. We’re both into Bey, Jay and Kanye, our favorite food is New York style pizza and we love dogs! We’re perfect for each other!”

Does this sound like you or someone you know describing their latest crush? Throughout high school, college and even into early adulthood, these are frequently the types of similarities that will strike up an exciting new relationship. Sadly, these types of similarities are not the kind that a strong and lasting relationship can be built on. While these are great to have and you definitely do want a lot of these things to be shared between you, you probably won’t find yourself coming home to your spouse after getting laid off, with the bills stacking up, and all the pressures of life closing in on you, but thinking, “I know we’re going to make it because we both love Justin Bieber.”

While those similarities are the things that help you enjoy your lives together, we do need to go deeper to find the ones with a little more staying power. What we are looking for here are what we call the "non-negotiables." These are important and key aspects of who you are that you should not have to change in order to try to make a relationship work, particularly; ideals, values, goals and beliefs. While these areas in our lives can change and shift over time, relationships that ignore these areas in favor of focusing on the less important ones typically suffer as a result. Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist in Los Angeles, spoke in an interview about the importance of having these non-negotiables in place when trying to build a healthy relationship.

“Having shared values means that you both believe in some of the same core things in your lives… Although each couple is different, it may mean that both of you value similar things; marriage and family, the importance of trust and communication, the value of love and intimacy, perhaps similar religious and political beliefs and contributing to the broader community…You can have a very successful relationship, without having to share all of the same values. You just have to share the same basic “must-have” values.” –

Dr. Gary Brown, elitedaily.com “Why are shared values important in relationships? Experts weigh in on this common thought.” – Rachel Shatto, 5-23-2019

While a lot of fun can be had in the short-term, from liking the same music or recreational activities, when life becomes more challenging, we are pressed to make decisions based off of our priorities, the most important and core areas of our lives. In these times, it is important that our spouse is making their decisions based from the same areas. If we share values and beliefs, we are starting from the same place. If we share ideals and goals, we are moving forward in the same direction. Finding someone who shares these important areas with us is an important step in developing a healthy relationship that can weather the many storms that life will bring.

“But…what if they’re lying?”

As you begin to build your relationships, you may have already come across what we will call the “So-Do-I-Guys and Girls.” These are people who use a technique called “parroting” in order to quickly gain trust and establish faux connections and get what they want out of you. Here’s how you spot “So-Do-I-Guys and Girls:”

- They like to ask questions about you. It seems like they are genuinely trying to get to know you! When you ask them about themselves, they answer with a lot of the same things you just said.

- As you’re sharing, they excitedly interject with a lot of “So-Do-I’s” and “Me, Too’s!”

So far, it can seem like you are creating a real connection! Here’s where it shifts:

- When you try to go deeper into the subjects they seemed to share a strong affinity towards with you, they will have a hard time giving specific details about what you are talking about.

- They might have trouble staying consistent in their stories.

- They try to redirect the conversation back to you in order to deflect more questions.

All of these can be very helpful tips when getting to know someone quickly in a social setting, but the number one key to avoiding the “So-Do-I-Guys and Girls?” Time.

Investing the time to get to know someone as a friend is the best way to weed out those who do not have the best intentions. This is why similarities are found within an established friendship in the levels of healthy relationships - but we are only on step 2 of 5. Next week, we'll cover step 3!

In the meantime, be sure to check out our YouTube playlists (which can also be found in our 2020 video archive, and sign up for our mailing list at the bottom of our home page. See you next week!