Talking About Politics Without Losing Your Head

The holiday season is right around the corner and many of us will be getting together with friends and family that we only ever see once or twice a year. One of the most important rules if you want to have a mildly enjoyable meal together without any yelling, name-calling or anybody storming out of the room saying their done with this family is to NEVER talk about politics. But, why is that? If we want to build deep and meaningful connections with people, opening up and sharing your thoughts and opinions is a necessary risk. Of all things, is the topic of politics really the one that can’t be overcome? Today, we’re going to share a little bit about why politics is such a difficult subject to talk about and how you can have spirited political discussions that shouldn’t lead to broken relationships.

Republicans, Democrats. Independents. Red, Blue, Green. How does a nation supposedly founded on unity, e pluribus unum, become so divided? Why is it that our families can get along on so many other topics, but this one always starts a fight? In a word, tribalism.

Tribalistic thinking is a way of thinking that goes all the way down to the most primitive cultures. It is rooted in an us vs. Them mentality where the “us” is typically defined by family and a few select others in close proximity and the “them” is everyone else. It categorizes everyone around you into these two groups. Within your tribe, you develop a subculture built on shared values and you build societies in order to support that culture. When neighboring tribes have more in common with yours, your two cultures can coexist and yet retain their distinctions. When a tribe does not share those same values or, maybe more importantly, when the societies they want to build seem to oppose your own, that’s when you're going to have problems.

Removing politicians themselves from the conversation for a moment, I'd be willing to bet that most Americans would say they want a country where people are able to pursue happiness and wellbeing for themselves and their loved ones. That seems simple enough. But, what about when your happiness seems to cut off my happiness? What about when your wellbeing seems to hinder the wellbeing of my family? Who’s to define happiness and wellbeing, anyways? In this country, as well as many others, we have established certain laws that are intended to protect and uphold the rights of each of us as citizens. There have been many arguments recently about whether or not one person's beliefs should be allowed to dictate laws that would affect other people. The problem with that argument is that every law is a form of one person or many people’s beliefs dictating how other people should live. Should it be the “tribe” with the most power deciding what the laws are? Should it be the states with the most people? These are just a few examples to show how quickly the conversation that seemed like we were all starting in the same place can end up devolving into tribalism and from there it’s a very quick jump to attack mode. Our own politics are driven by our ideals, values, goals and beliefs. Politics don’t just become personal, they were always personal and when we don’t recognize that, we’ll find ourselves stepping blindly into this minefield of conversation every time.

So, how can you have productive conversations about something tied to such strongly held beliefs? First, you have to do some self-examination. What is your goal for entering this conversation? Is it to spark and argument or a debate? If so, the roles are already established as you vs. Your opponent and you probably won’t get too far in deepening your relationship with them? Is it to change their mind and switch them over to your side? That’s possible, but you’ll have to be very careful about approaching the conversation with respect, otherwise they have no reason to hear what you have to say. Maybe you’re genuinely curious and you’re still developing your own opinions. Whatever the case, identify what your motives are and move forward accordingly.

Second, figure out if the person you're talking to is the right person to have this conversation with. Maybe you enjoy a good debate, but on their side it will only upset them. Recognize that there are people that you can have these conversations with and some people that you can’t. Another important part to keep in mind is to ask if this is the right time and place? Maybe Thanksgiving dinner is not the best place to bring up who uncle Danny voted for. It might be better to have that talk one-on-one after dinner. Maybe the two of you can have a peaceful and productive conversation about all of it, but the other people around you might get riled up. Time and place is crucial to having a good conversation especially around sensitive subjects.

Finally, remember the golden rule and treat them the way you would want to be treated. It’s perfectly OK to stand your ground and express your thoughts and opinions passionately, but if you have to stoop down to personal attacks or slanderous rhetoric to get your point across, it probably isn’t a very good argument to begin with. Resist the tribal mentality that pushes them into the “them” category and instead try to ask good questions and really listen to what they are saying. You may realize that your values are actually not that far off from each other but it’s the structures you seek to build to support those values. Maybe this is an area that you could actually find some common ground on. On the other hand, maybe you really are coming from two completely different sides on this and there’s no way for you to see eye to eye. That doesn’t have to mean that your tribe has to go to war with their tribe, but instead focus on the areas that you do have commonality in and continue to treat them the way you would want to be treated!