The #1 Boundary for your Romantic Relationship

When it comes down to it, boundaries are all about keeping the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. In our romantic relationships, there are countless attributes that we are all looking for but the one many of us would say that “love” is right at the top of our lists. The problem with that is that “love” is used in such a broad way, that it’s difficult to create a clear boundary for your relationship if you simply say love. Afterall, many of us have seen examples of people caught in cycles of controlling or even abusive relationships but they can’t be talked out of going right back to them because they “love eachother.” To make things a bit clearer, think of it this way: if love is the standard, free choice is the boundary line. As we conclude our month long series on boundaries, today we will discussing why Choice is the must-have boundary for your romantic relationships.

In our video on friendship boundaries earlier this month, we talked about how obligation, or doing things because you have to instead of because you want to, will start to plant seeds of resentment and bitterness between you and your friend. This is also true in your romantic relationships. Giving yourself and your partner the freedom to choose is a must because without it, your relationship becomes less and less about love and starts to feel more and more like work. Of course, with the complexity of romantic relationships, the need for choice goes much deeper than that. Here are 3 key areas of choice that you need to make sure are intact for your relationship.

First, you need to both have freedom to choose how you spend your time together. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a mechanical, “You picked last time, so I pick this time” arrangement, but both of you should have plenty of opportunities to decide what you’ll do when going out. The best case scenario is to use your dates to plan something that the other person would enjoy. Try to view the plans you make for your time together as a gift to the other person. This is great because it’s training your brain to think of the other persons wants and needs ahead of your own but in a way that is you giving rather than them taking.

Next, you both need to be able to choose time to be together and time to be apart. You should not feel like you have to be together all the time or one of you will be hurt. It is normal and healthy to have relational needs that a romantic partner cannot fill in the same ways as your other friends. Needing to constantly be together reveals an underlying immaturity in one or both of you and that will eventually start to wear the other person down. While eventually this relationship will hopefully become the primary one in your life once you are married, it doesn’t replace the needs both of you have for other people or even just time for yourself. Being able to ask for and give time apart is a sign of a mature and healthy relationship.

Finally, you both should be able to choose to say “NO” without fear of how the other person will respond. While this obviously applies to sexual behaviors, it is not exclusive to them. The fear of explosive anger, retaliation or violence should never factor into your decision making in your romantic relationship. Sometimes, even despair or threats of self-harm can fall into this category as well. All of these can be used as manipulation tools in order to keep you in check, only doing what they want you to do. If you are in a relationship like this, it is important that you get out quickly and in the safest way possible. You may need to get someone to help you speak with your partner or as a measure of protection, but manipulative and coercive relationships don’t get better by you continuing to feed into their behaviors. If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, do what is best for both of you and let the other person go. Get the help you need in order to deal with the underlying reasons behind your behaviors before you try to enter another romantic relationship again.

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and sometimes even painful, but they are necessary in order to build healthy relationships. Join us live on Sept 30th for our monthly podcast where we will go even further in our discussion on boundaries (we'll be live on our YouTube channel and Facebook page). If you have questions that you would like us to answer, leave them in the comments or shoot us an email or text!