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Way back in 1992, almost 30 years ago, a little book about love was released that has since changed the way millions of people communicate in their relationships. That book was called The 5 Love Languages and it was written by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book has held up as both transcending cultures, having been translated and published in over 50 languages, as well as reaching across the generational gaps with versions specifically written for children, teens and even singles.
Over the next 5 weeks, we will be discussing in details each one of the 5 love languages. We’ll give you tools to help you discover your love language and to help identify those of the people close to you. Being able to communicate love effectively is a key component to building healthy relationships!
(Jerrod) When I was growing up, I remember everyone would say that French was the most romantic or attractive language which is why, in jr. High, I took French. Apparently, to the 13 or 14 year old version on me, we just weren’t getting into the juicy stuff fast enough or I just wasn’t smooth enough to figure out how to make “Hello. I like cheese. Where is the bathroom?” sound very alluring, but I decided that French was not going to work out for me. After that, being the huge nerd that I am, I started learning Tolkien Elvish from the Lord of the Rings.
Moving on... Communication, or lack thereof, is consistently an issue in many relationships from dating, to marriage but even between friends and family as well. One of the hardest things we experience is when our good intentions are misread or aren’t even recognized at all. Sometimes, this happens, not because we are trying to be loving in our relationships, but because we aren’t speaking the right love language. It would be like if for valentine’s day, I had decided to write out the most beautiful and heartfelt poem, describing in great detail the depths of love and admiration I have for my wife but when I present it to her, she looks at the paper, looks back at me and asks, “What am I supposed to do with this?” I poured my heart out on the page and bore my soul to her, but none of that matters because my wife, as gifted and talented as she is, cannot read Elvish! This is what it’s like when we are unaware of the 5 love languages; our attempts to convey love will often fall on deaf ears and we also will not be able to recognize when love is being shown to us by others if we are not speaking the same language.
Today, we will start by unpacking the first love language on our list and one that is possibly the easiest to misunderstand, physical touch, and it may be helpful to start with what this love language is not. Physical touch does not mean and is not equal to sexual touch. This misunderstanding of terms can lead to intentional misuse and abuses of the love languages. We each have a primary love language, a way in which we communicate and receive love most effectively, and if physical touch is yours, then you use this language subconsciously in all of your loving relationships, not just romantic ones.
A person who has the primary love language of physical touch gives and receives love commonly by holding hands, giving a complicated 15-step high-5, hugging, giving back rubs, sitting close and even cordial kissing of the hand, cheeks, forehead or lips.
So, all of those are ways that you could share love in any relationship from friendship, to marriage to hugging and kissing your sweet old grandma. On the flip side of this is the fact that, since this is the primary way this person would receive love, they are also going to be more sensitive to it. Neglecting to show physical affection can cause this person to feel isolated and unloved, while physical abuse can be especially traumatic to the individual and their relationship.
So, with that in mind, what if you’re in a relationship with someone whose love language is physical touch, but due to the nature of your work or life circumstances, you aren’t able to be together. Are those relationships just not going to work?
Dr. Chapman, in a February 2020 interview, shared briefly on that exact issue.
He described some of the ways that military couples who understood the love languages were able to still communicate love through physical touch while being halfway around the world. In one situation, the wife sent her husband a letter with a piece of paper that she had traced the outline of her hand onto. While on deployment, we would take out that piece of paper and place his hand over the outline of hers and he later said that he could “feel” her in doing that. For another couple where the wife’s primary love language was physical touch, he left his jean jacket with her and told her “anytime you need a hug, you put it on and I'll hug you.” While it is not a literal physical connection, it still carries the emotional weight through those simple ways of tactile connection.
I think that's pretty awesome!
Next week, we will be back to talk about the next love language on our list, Words of Affirmation!
Once you take the love languages test, be sure to come back here and let us know what your results were in the comments below and remember that you can find the full library of our healthy relationship content on our videos page!
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