The Five Love Languages: Quality Time

Today, we are going to spend some quality time with Quality Time! We are going to talk about what it is, what it isn’t, how it looks in different types of relationships and even talk about some quality time killers!

Quality Time. The emphasis here is on quality.

For someone who’s love language is quality time, they will feel most loved not just when you spend time with them, but specifically when your full attention is on them, when you do things that they want to do, when you initiate spending time with them, when you learn to do an activity with them and when you share meaningful events in your life with them.

So, it’s more than just being together and occupying the same space at the same time. This is why we can sometimes feel like we are meeting the relational needs of the Quality Time lover and yet, be missing the mark. Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the 5 Love Languages cleared up some of the confusion about quality time when he said this:

“Quality time does not mean we must spend our moments gazing into each other's eyes. It may mean doing something together that we both enjoy. The particular activity is secondary, only a means to creating the sense of togetherness. The important thing is not the activity itself but the emotions that are created between both.”

So, we know what quality time is, but what about what quality time isn’t? Meeting the needs of the Quality Time lover doesn’t require all of your time. It’s not a zero-sum game where if they can’t see you for more than an hour, they won’t want to see you at all. It also doesn’t mean that you are spending the whole afternoon with them but staring at a screen the whole time.

This is where we get into the Quality Time Killers, and suspect number one is right here. (Holds up phone) Quality time is about being present and attentive. Nothing communicates, “I don’t really care” faster than constantly having to compete for time with a friend, family member or romantic partner’s phone.

Especially in today’s culture for students and young adults, the phone has become an easy cop-out we fall into instead of living the life right in front of us. And, when we’re honest with ourselves, most of the time we’re not really doing anything important on our phones, anyways. Even in our everyday friendships, it can be extremely annoying when you’re trying to have a conversation with them and they can’t be bothered to look away from their phones. When we ask what they are doing, they typically answer with, “Nothing.” but still can’t seem to give us the time of day. What this communicates is that “nothing” is worth more of their time, energy and affection than we are. We don’t even have to have Quality Time as our primary love language to understand how that feels, but for those of us who do have it, it is devastating.

Attentive listening, making eye contact and engaging with them in the time that you do have is what makes it Quality. Dr. Chapman helps us understand the perspective that the Quality Time lovers have here:

“When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.”

For those with Quality Time as their love language, it’s not just the amount of time that is important, but the fact that you are choosing to spend that most precious commodity with them.

Don’t forget to let us know what your love language is in the comments below! Also, we’ve already had a few good guesses about what Jerrod’s love language is. Leave your guess in the comments and we will announce the answer and select one of the correct guessers on our podcast when we take the tests live this Thursday at 6 PM!

Don’t forget that you can find all of our previous videos in this series and more on our media/videos tab!