The Other People Affected by Broken Relationships

For the past month, we’ve been discussing relationship breakdowns; what causes them, how they affect us and what to do when they happen. Today, we’re finishing up this series with a look at the other relationships which are impacted when yours fall apart. We don’t always recognize how our other friends and family are forced to deal with the fallout from our breakups. Sometimes, large issues need to be dealt with in a more open setting, but other times private disagreements should remain private. When is it best to handle things quietly, when is it necessary to make things public and what is the right way to do that? That’s what we’re covering today.

We’ll start with when you should handle things quietly. Did you know that you don’t have to expose people every time they hurt you? Offense is something that all of us will deal with, with opportunities to become offended popping up multiple times a day. When we are offended, it is natural for us to become defensive in response and one of the ways we shore up thoses defenses is by trying to create allies to prepare for the “us against them” battle that surely headed our way. When a one-time friend crosses us, the break-off of relationship with them doesn’t just affect us, but all of our mutual friends then get sucked into the drama when we make them “choose a side.” This is actually an abuse of relationship because that is not what our group of friends signed up for. Forcing them to choose who to side with pits them against someone that they care about who hasn’t wronged them at all. That’s not fair, but it’s something many of us do frequently without even questioning it. If you have a legitimate offense between you and a friend, the right way to handle it is for both of you to take that issue to one or two mutual confidants who can help mediate, give advice and offer correction or rebuke when necessary. These are restorative actions with healing being the end goal. When we feel the need to share our private offenses in order to gain sympathy or win arguments, we are gossiping; tearing another person down in an effort to make ourselves look better. “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” - Proverbs 17:9.

There are times, however, when it does become necessary to make a privately unresolved issue more public. If you have attempted to handle the issue one-on-one and couldn’t come to a resolution, and then you have brought in one or two friends to help sort through and the other person is still stuck in their offensive and hurtful behavior, you are now at that point. In the beginning of the issue, it’s important for you to start by examining yourself first. What fault do you carry in the dispute? How much of the problem is rooted in your own pride, selfishness, jealousy or other sinful disposition? We all have blind spots and it’s important to honestly examine our own hearts from time to time so that we don’t become entrenched in our own sinfulness while trying to call out the sins of others. This is where taking the issue to mutual friends can be so helpful. You are going to them together in order to allow them to hear both sides and point out the things both of you have been missing. When you are confronted with your own sin, take responsibility, repent quickly and seek forgiveness. If the other person refuses to be corrected, now you have witnesses to their behavior who can help you when you take the steps to go public. The less inclined these people are to show partiality towards either of you, the more weight their words will have when the matter is brought to the light. This is an often overlooked way that we can actually help those around us to be prepared to handle the breakdown of this relationship because they aren’t being forced to take your word against the other person’s and they’re not being blindsided by suddenly being put in a position to take sides. Having reliable witnesses who can attest to the truth of the situation with impartiality helps everyone else to be able to make accurate judgements in how to move forward.

When we skip steps in correcting bad behavior or holding others accountable, we force the other people affected by the breakup to jump to the same conclusion we have come to without having the benefit of knowing both sides and being involved in the process. This can happen with the breakup of a friendship or a dating relationship. Even in the case of divorce, the couples involved can seem like they go from handling everything in private and no one else really knows what’s going on to suddenly dropping the bomb that their marriage is ending and their children, their extended families, their friends all have no idea why. Again, that’s not fair to them. And, why should you expect them to trust you and your side of the story when, all this time, you had made them believe that everything was good and now they realize that that was not true? Breakups are usually hard to walk through, but they don’t have to be atomic bombs sending out shockwaves that destroy every other relationship that touches them. We get it in our minds that we are protecting others by not sharing the truth, but we are usually just protecting ourselves. That doesn’t mean that we are telling you to put all of your private issues out there and air out all of your dirty laundry. There is a clear, step-by-step process that you can follow for how to go about walking through a relationship breakdown that was given to us by Jesus. Often, you might hear this section cited only in the context of “Church discipline,” but Jesus firmly places this within the purview of relationship by starting with, “If your brother sins against you...”

This portion of scripture can be found in Matthew 18, verses 15-20. In it, Jesus gives the same outline that we just broke down for you:

First, start by going to the person who has offended you and tell them clearly how they have wronged you. Here, we would also add in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus tells us to remove the log from our own eyes first before trying to remove the speck from our brother’s.

Second, if they will not acknowledge their sin and repent, then you should bring one or two others to mediate between the two of you.

Then, if they still won’t turn from their sinful behavior, you along with the mediators who are now acting as witnesses, bring the issue to the wider church body. This would not only include a pastor or spiritual leader, but family, friends and other members within your church community who will be affected by the breakup in relationship. If everyone is able to see and recognize the pattern of sinful behavior which is attested to by the witnesses and the individual still won’t turn from their sin, that is when everyone casts them out together.

Not only will following this process help the others impacted by the break up, but it will also give you the support you need to walk through it. 1 Corinthians 12:26 says, “If one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with it.” We are not made to walk through this life alone, and the Church, the Body of Christ, is especially meant to bear one another's burdens.