The Power of "Yes" and "No"

Power dynamics in relationships can be tricky. On a national level, there is a broad and highly charged conversation about power structures and policy, but we may not recognize the power dynamics of our everyday relationships. How frequently do you hold the power in your relationships? The answer may surprise you.

So, family, friends, work, school, romance; who holds the power in your relationships? The truth is, it’s almost never just one or the other all of the time. Power shifts multiple times throughout the day. In fact, we give people power in the relationship all the time by doing one simple thing; asking questions.

Power dynamics are constantly shifting. For example, maybe you asked a question and they said yes, but in saying yes, they also accepted the conditions that came along with acceptance. Now, here’s another twist. What happens when we reject that power or refuse to give it?

[Jerrod] My wife asks me a question, would I rather do A or B. I choose B. She wanted A but wanted me to feel included in the process. Now, she has another choice; does she reluctantly go along with the choice that I made which she gave to me or does she take the power back and go with A anyway?

Here, we can see the power dynamic very clearly. Jerrod’s wife seemingly gave him the power to choose, but in reality, his choice was only acceptable to her if it turned out to be the same as hers. When she reneges on giving him the power to choose, she is showing that she was never really giving him that power in the first place. That is not true submission. Submission almost sounds like a dirty word nowadays, but all of us are submitting and asserting power in all of our relationships. Submission works and is actually a good and healthy thing when it happens by choice, is done with trust is and when it is not taken advantage of.

So, who holds the power in your relationships? The one who is deciding “Yes” or “No.” In healthy relationships, we willingly give that power because we trust the other person and know that they will not abuse the power we are giving them. Finally, don’t offer that power to the other person unless you actually intend for them to have it. It’s far better to say clearly what you want and expect from the beginning than to give it begrudgingly out of obligation or take it back when things turn out how you expected.

Also, remember that your “Yes” and “No” hold consequences for yourself and others, so before you say “Yes” or “No,” think it through and make sure you mean it, that way your “Yes” is Yes and your “No” is “No.”