The Steps to Having a Difficult Conversation

This month we are talking about communication done right. Last week we covered the hierarchy of communication. This week, we’re giving you the do’s and don’ts of having a difficult conversation.

To understand how to not only get through a hard conversation, but actually make it productive, we need to decide beforehand what our goal is. One of the fastest ways we go off the rails is by thinking that the end result of the conversation should be that the other person acknowledges that we are right. Is that really what we want, though? So, our first “DO” is to figure out what the true goal is. The “Don’t” is to make being right the goal. Sure, it makes us feel good when we win the argument, but do you want to be right or do you want the relationship? You can have both; it’s not a “Choose one option” scenario. But, if you start from the beginning in a place that prioritizes making the other person know that we are right, then we have already decided ahead of time that we are willing to sacrifice the relationship towards that end. Instead, figure out what outcome you are wanting to see. What is the best possible end result, and then allow that to direct what and how you communicate throughout the conversation.

Next, “Don’t” be unreasonable and instead, “Do” recognize that communication is all about negotiation. Entering into a disagreement from a defensive posture is a sure way to undermine a positive outcome. Of course, we all have principles and values that we should not budge on for the sake of appeasing someone else, but there are many areas in our lives which can and should be negotiable. If you come into the conversation with a list of demands, spoken or otherwise, tensions are raised automatically. It’s still a negotiation, but now it’s less of a mutually beneficial transaction and more of a hostage crisis, with the relationship being held for ransom. If you expect the other person to lay down their arms and come to terms with you, then you need to be willing to do the same.

In these negotiation stages, “Do” be quick to forgive and “Don’t” be quick to anger. The defensiveness that we talked about earlier is sure to make this step difficult. If you enter the conversation expecting to be hurt, you will find things to be hurt about, for sure. If you expect the worst, you’ll get it. This is where we need to make a conscious choice to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and assume best intentions. How many times have you said something and it was taken the wrong way? Have you ever intended something to be harsh or critical but the other person received it with grace anyways? Choosing to not take offense and assume the best intentions even when the other person is trying to hurt you is a powerful tool to disarm them. It is so easy to fall into the trap of returning evil for evil, but Jesus told us to return evil with good.

Our final pieces of advise, and probably the most important, are “Don’t” go in alone and “Do” pray before, during and after the conversation. In this world, it is easy to forget that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, that there are actual spiritual powers at work, confusing, distorting, distracting and deceiving us. The enemy wants to divide us and strives to sew hatred and animosity between us. The deception works exactly because it is deceptive. If it announced itself and looked exactly what we thought it would look like, then we wouldn’t fall for it. Instead, it comes in small lies and agreements that come fragmented throughout our interactions, tempting us to give into emotions like bitterness, resentment and distrust. This is why it is so important for us to pray before, during and after so that the we invite the Holy Spirit into our conversations. We all know that there are times we want to say something, but thankfully God cautioned our spirit and kept us from opening our mouths. We need to lean into that a whole lot more!