The Why Series - Why Do We Date?

Welcome back to a new month with WholeHeartEd, where we give you the tools you need to build healthy and God honoring relationships. This month, we are asking the question, “Why?” Why do we do so many of the things that we do? Why do we make the choices that we make? Why have some things become cultural norms even though they don’t seem to be working and why did our culture stop doing other things if they weren’t broken to begin with? This week, we are tackling the question of “Why do we date?” We’re going to learn how modern dating got started, try to determine what some of the goals of dating are and ask ourselves if there is a better way to get where we are really wanting to go.

The process of finding “the one” looks very different than how it did in the past. In fact, prior to just over 100 years ago, the concept of “dating” wasn’t even thought of. For many centuries and across many various cultures and ethnic groups, the mating practices of people looked more or less the same. From Biblical times all the way through the early 1900’s, it was extremely common for the parents or families of the couple to have a great deal of influence in choosing an ideal partner for their children even, in many cases, to the point of the parents choosing without any input from their children at all. One biblical example of this happens in Genesis chapter 24, when Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. The servant is sent on a road trip to find a woman from Abraham’s native lands to wed Isaac and there he finds Rebekah. Now, imagine being either Isaac or Rebekah in that situation today; most of us would probably refuse to go along with something like that. Also, what is the likelihood that this random person the servant finds is someone you would even like? Even in those days, this was not the typical arrangement and yet Rebekah and her family agreed that she would return with the servant to marry Isaac. So, now what? Rebekah and Isaac fall in love at first sight, they get married and have a long and happy life together? … Well, kinda – yeah! In Genesis 24:67, we are told that “Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother and took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her.”

Now, of course, not all of the arranged marriages in history have such a happy ending. Isaac and Rebekah’s son, Jacob, ended up marrying two sisters. He fell in love with one of them, but was tricked into marrying the older sister first after working for their father for 7 years as a bridal price. Then, he had to work another 7 years in order to marry the daughter he had wanted in the first place. As you can imagine, things in their relationships got pretty messy and this is just scratching the surface. Now, fast-forward a few thousand years and, with a few notable changes, parents were still choosing mates for their children with a focus on financial stability and social status. By the early 1900’s, things started to make a subtle change. Men would often present themselves to the young woman’s family, they would determine if he was allowed to move forward and then he would begin courting her, or spending time with her at her family’s home in order to get to know her. Eventually, if she decided she liked him, they would sometimes be allowed to go out with a chaperone who was always there to make sure that all of their activities stayed above the board. Nearing the 1920’s with the industrial revolution, and then onto the 40’s with WWII, American culture evolved very rapidly over a short period of time. While the previous methods of finding a spouse had been consistently in-play for centuries, early 1900’s courting quickly changed into dating as colleges and universities opened up to women as well as men and women entering the workforce together.

Allie – By the 50’s, dating became less about finding a marriage partner and more about finding someone to have fun with for now. The 60’s saw the full swing of the sexual revolution and young people caught up in the counter-culture movement made proclamations of “free-love” while racking up multiple sexual partners with people whom they may not have even known, much less dated. 60 years later, we are now far downstream from the sexual revolution, but the impact it had on our culture is still strongly felt. Some of the most notable changes we see are how peoples concepts of relationships have changed. Throughout history, the entire family had input and influence in who we would marry, while today it is a highly personal decision that many people make even in spite of their families wishes. In the past, the choice to marry often came first with considerations towards their own wellbeing, their prospects for financial and social clout, and even with regard to how the social institution of marriage impacted the world around them. The notions of romance and emotional connection typically came after they said, “I do.” Today, how the other person makes me feel is of utmost importance and once I’m not feeling that way anymore, I dump them and find someone new. So, we’ve seen where dating came from and where it is today. We’ve also seen how the goals of dating have shifted; from finding a stable and reliable person to marry to finding someone to have fun with, to make me feel good, and many times to hook up with. We’ll just save all of that marriage stuff until I’m too old to have fun! So, how is this all working out for us?

We were created to love. When dating first came on the scene, that was the idea. It was supposedly doing away with the stale and cold ways of finding a mate in the past with a new method that was built on the idea of starting your marriage with someone you already love rather than trying to develop love as an afterthought when you’ve already been married. The problem is, the object of our affections has changed, too. When we look at our own behaviors in our own relationships, who are we actually loving. The central focus is all about me getting what I want right now. We’ve become selfish in our understanding of love. Again, we were created TO love – that means love is supposed to be flowing out from us like a river. Instead, with no natural outlets we’ve become like the dead sea; everything is flowing in but without a way to release, we become salty ...and dead inside. So, is there a better way? Well, that depends on what your goals are. Do you want to become a toxic, empty, lonely person temporarily using people for sex and to get your relational fix like an addict? If so, then keep on doing what you and everyone else seem to be doing. If, instead, your goal is to build a healthy relationship, to find someone that you can love and be loved by, then some things will probably need to change. If you need more convincing that things aren’t going in the right direction, here is one phrase that completely exposes how jacked up our relationships today have gotten; Body Count. We’ve gone from husband and wife, to boyfriend and girlfriend, to hook-up, to booty call, to one night stand, to notch in a bedpost and now it’s a body count. Sex, what is intended to be one of the most intimate expressions of love reserved for this one person that you have committed your life to, is now seen as nothing more than a competitive game where people are nothing more than numbers, to be used and discarded like trash. We run around touting our score like we’re winning the game when, in reality, we’re destroying our lives and the lives of every person we’re with. There has to be a better way!

We've talked before about reverse-engineering your life by beginning with the end in mind; thinking about where it is that you actually want to be and then make consistent healthy choices to move you in that direction. If your goal is to eventually have a healthy marriage one day, that means that you need to be ready to love that person well. Remember, love is a verb, it’s something you actively choose to do. When the Bible tells us to love one another, it wouldn’t make sense if that meant, “go out and have intensely warm and cuddly feelings towards each other,” and yet, when we think of love, that is typically where our mind goes. But, if love is instead something that we do, that also means it is something that we can practice and get better at. You can prepare yourself for marriage by practicing love now – not sex, not the “free love” movement of the hippies – love. Love is serving others, putting their needs ahead of your own. Love is caring for the needs of those around you, even at your own expense. The greatest love is laying down your life for a friend. This is the love that was modeled for us by Jesus, and it is the same love that we can practice with those around us right now. Does all of this mean that you should never date again, that it’s just *poof* gone, I kissed dating goodbye?

… Maybe. For some of us, that might be necessary. We’re not saying we all need to go back 100 years and start courting again or a few thousand years and have your dad send someone to another country to bring you back a spouse, but you can take the best aspects of each of these methods in order to build something better. Maybe, your family should have more input in your romantic endeavors. Maybe you have a strong enough relationship with them that you could risk allowing them to weigh in on someone you might be interested in, OR, maybe even have them vet out someone who is showing interest in you. If you don’t have that type of relationship with your natural family, seek out the input of friends and leaders in your church community. The people who love you, who know you best and who have your best intentions in mind should also be able to help you make these big life choices. Perhaps it would be good to put a bit more effort into wooing a potential mate than DM’ing a dating proposal. If they’re not willing to exert themselves at all in order to get you in a relationship, they might not be willing to do much to keep that relationship going, either. Finally, whether you're courting, dating or anything in between, only do it with the intention of marriage. Only move forward with someone if you already know they are someone you would actually want to marry.