Toxic Independence

“Am I my brother’s keeper?” It’s the question we’ve asked ourselves going all the way back to Cain and Abel and much like the story of those two brothers, this question reveals a lot about our own hearts. Today, we’re going to unmask 4 toxic traits to watch for in yourself and others; Deflection, Justification, The T-rex and the sacrificial lamb. The tricky thing is that these behaviors disguise themselves as self-care when really, they’re just an excuse for us to be selfish. Where do you rank on the list? Find out as we continue our July series that’s all about you with today’s discussion on Toxic Independence.

Our Toxic Independence behavior number 1 one is Deflection. Deflection is a common tactic that many of us utilize without even realizing it. It comes up when we are confronted with the consequences of our actions and choices and, rather than owning up to it, we push the blame off on someone or something else. Deflection masks itself as just self-care when the person acts as if they would accept responsibility if the issue was truly their fault but the “refuse” to accept responsibility for other people’s actions. The deflector would have a legitimate argument here except that it becomes their constant default position. Nothing is ever their fault and so they never end up taking responsibility.

Our second Toxic Independence behavior is Justification. The justifier is someone who avoids responsibility by explaining away their harmful behaviors. Sure, they may have hurt someone in the wake of their behavior but that person deserved it. The justifier masks their behavior by using the Golden Rule as a weapon, treating others the way they believe they have been treated. Rather than taking the high road and responding with compassion or understanding, the justifier has to set things “right” but right to them is based off of their own, subjective standards and they are typically the only one benefiting from their personal brand of justice.

Next up is the T-Rex. While the Justifier’s behavior is typically in response to the perceived slights of others, the T-Rex is preemptive in their destructive behavior. These people are the ones who will consistently share posts claiming “This is me, deal with it.” or “If you have a problem, go ahead and unfriend me now.” When facing criticism of their behavior, they ignore it with a “I don’t need that negativity in my life.” They mask their toxicity as self-care by just saying that they are being assertive, pursuing their goals, simply being their authentic selves or any form of a similar message.

Number 4 is the sacrificial lamb. This is someone who will take all the blame, all of the abuse and make sure everyone knows about it. When something goes wrong, they move to the “woe is me” position and start listing how this is the type of thing that always happens to them. The sacrificial lamb disguises their behavior as self-care by removing themselves from their responsibilities by saying they “just need to focus on themselves right now.” over and over again. If you noticed, they will take the blame, but they won’t actually accept the responsibility for changing their behaviors. By perpetually taking the position of the victim, they are able to shift the burden of responsibility in their lives to everyone around them rather than truly taking time to self-evaluate and take practical steps to change their situation.

With all of these behaviors, we see a consistent trend of rejecting responsibility for how their behaviors effect those around them. In our self-obsessed culture, there are far too many real life examples of these types of behaviors not only being normalized but celebrated as each of us are becoming more and more concerned with our own satisfaction rather than with the well-being of those around us. The sad irony is that, as human beings, we are designed to be in healthy relationships with one another. The more we chase after a selfish oasis where we can do and be whatever and whomever we want without any care for others, the more we will fall deeper and deeper into a depressing cycle of broken hearts and shattered relationships as we see that lifestyle as the mirage that it always was. The truth is, you will never find lasting joy or healthy relationships at the end of the selfishness rainbow.

That wraps up our short list on the telltale signs of Toxic Independence. We know there are many more that we didn’t even touch on, so please share your additions to our list in the comments below. Chances are you there were probably a few people that came to mind as we went through our list. While we don’t recommend tagging them by name in the comments, maybe sharing our video on your page (check out our Facebook page or our YouTube channel!) will help them see it. On the other hand, maybe you recognized some of these characteristics in your own behavior. If that is the case, let us know what you plan to do about it in order to move towards a more healthy place.