What Guys Need in Relationships

Guys only want one thing, right?

From Jerrod: I remember when I was in middle school having a homeroom teacher who was really kind, caring and invested in the well-being of her students. She was especially supportive of the girls in class when, being in the 8th grade and a few of them already caught up in the early dating scene, they would come in crying about the latest boyfriend, the latest fight and the latest break-up. She would always respond with the same advice which centered around the classic assumption; “You know guys only want one thing, right?” At 13 or 14 years old, it was already being drilled into the minds of these young girls as well as us boys sitting in class that all the drives, all of the hopes, dreams and aspirations of men in the world can be boiled down to this one, myopic goal. It was all about sex. Once the bell rang and we would start heading out to our next class, she would often be calling out behind us as we left, “Don’t let ‘em get ya’ where the good Lord split ya’.” The saddest part of that experience was seeing how, as time went on, a lot of the guys around me just started playing the part.

Today, we are going to talk about the things that guys really need, and no, it’s not all about sex. If you are a guy who has heard the types of messages that I heard back in middle school, now would be a good time for a course correction.

If you are a young lady who has maybe bought into those same messages and it’s caused you to have low expectations for the guys in your life, this is for you, too!

There are hundreds of articles online with lists claiming to reveal the secret and not-so-secret needs of men. Today, we’re pulling some of the most consistently repeated items from those lists as well as adding a few of our own. Ladies, as we get going you are probably going to notice that you alone are not going to be able to meet all of these needs and definitely not all of the time. Also, this isn’t to say that these needs won’t also be found in women, just not as frequently or to the same degree.

We're also going to be going a little bit deeper and talk about why these are legitimate needs for men as opposed to really strong wants. To start off our list, in no particular order, one thing that guys need is INSPIRATION.

As men, it is important to have a vision and a direction for where we are headed. From young ages, many boys will hang posters of super heroes and athletes on their walls and growing up we spend countless hours watching movies, looking up stats and basically nerding out about whatever inspirational muse we’ve found. We’ll pay hundreds of dollars and more to wear the clothes and the shoes hawked by our favorite players because somewhere in the back of our minds, we hold onto the irrational idea that these items will bring us the slightest bit closer to performing like them.

Not all guys are inspired by the same things, though. While the common stereotypes of action movies and sports stars are definitely able to inspire many young men around the world, a large portion of others are equally inspired by music, the arts and even nature. These men are no less masculine than the ones watching sports every Sunday afternoon and in fact, many of the ancient warriors and military leaders were also known as poets and artists themselves.

In fact, King David was a renowned military leader and giant killer in his time and yet he wrote hundreds of songs and poems that are still read and sung to this day. Now, as we grow older, the things that deeply inspire us will start to change. Taking the places of superheroes and sports stars, we begin to look at the lives of those around us and draw inspiration from those who are now where we want to be later. This could be in the areas of study, work, finance, their positions in the community or society as a whole, or even in their relationships with their families and their spouse. As our inspirations start to take a more grounded form, we start to look at what it would take for us to move forward in that direction and this is where the next need comes into play; MOTIVATION.

From Jerrod: While it’s true for me that my wife is my biggest supporter as far as encouragement and practical needs go, I am also hers. At different times throughout our relationship, we have both set aside our long-term goals and short-term comforts in order to see the other succeed. The type of motivation I’m talking about here comes down to something much deeper and internal; PURPOSE. Every person has a purpose. We all have a reason that we exist.

We have general purposes and we have specific purposes, but nowadays far too many people, and men in particular, are living their lives without purpose. Our purpose gives us the “WHY” behind the decisions we make in life. Why did I want to work an overnight job in a machining factory so my wife could finish college? Why did we decide to wait until we were married to have sex? Why, after growing up without knowing my own father and only seeing abusive marriage relationships at home, would I even want to get married in the first place. Your purpose is the why, behind the why, behind the why. And when men live a life without knowing their purpose, they at best live in apathy or at worst become self destructive.

There is so much more that we could discuss and lots of important things that we haven’t touched but many of those can actually fall into this last category, RECREATION. Guys need to be able to have an outlet to have fun and, yes, this is an actual need. Obviously, these outlets will look different over the years; personally I am no longer able to spend hours playing with action figures in my room anymore but I am not quite at the stage where I can’t wait to get out on the greens and work on my short game. Starting somewhere in these in-between years, sex does enter into the equation as a very healthy way of relieving stress, burning calories and primarily as a means of bringing us closer to our spouses. Actually, for guys, there are different types of recreation; the kind we do to get away and the kind we do to bring us together and a large majority of these activities fall into that second category, sex being one of them.

So, in healthy guys, rather than sex being the end goal in itself, sex is actually the means of achieving the goal of closeness and intimacy.

Ladies are not typically wired in the same way, which we will be talking about next week when we talk about the needs women have!