What Makes Family Relationships So Difficult?

According to one study*, researchers from the University of California, Berkeley, and Bar-Ilan University in Israel found that the relationships responders would identify as "difficult" were close female relatives - mothers, sisters, and wives. *Offer S, Fischer CS. Difficult People: Who Is Perceived to Be Demanding in Personal Networks and Why Are They There? American Sociological Review. 2018;83(1):111-142. doi:10.1177/0003122417737951

The senior author of the study, Claude Fischer, said, "The message here is that, with female relatives, it can be a two-sided thing. They may be the people you most depend on, but also the people who nag you the most... It’s a testament to their deeper engagement in social ties." https://www.studyfinds.org/female-family-members-difficult-relationships/ This trend wasn't just found in teens dealing with their overbearing mothers, either. In respondents over the age of 50, female spouses came in second with mothers still holding the lead for most demanding relationships at 29%. Our point here isn't to tear down mothers, female family members, or familial relationships at all, but we do need to be honest: Family can be a real challenge. Maybe for you, it's not your mom, daughter, or spouse but chances are the most difficult person you have to deal with is someone living under the same roof or on a close branch in the family tree. The good news is, it doesn't have to be this difficult! Today, we're going to give you some time-tested methods of not only dealing with difficult family members but how you can learn to love and appreciate those who probably care the most about you. PS - as we continue to develop content to help you build healthy relationships, we want to know what would be most helpful for you! We are asking you to take a brief survey, just 4 questions, to help us give you what you need. Simply click the link for the survey! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/32TCJNY​

You could also help by responding to this question in the comments right now: Are you more likely to watch an informational video that's 2-5 minutes long or 5-10 minutes? Just writing "2-5" or "5-10" in the comments below would be a big help to us as plan for our summer months and we would greatly appreciate it. Now let's get back to talking about families! So, what makes family relationships so much more challenging than others? Well, there are a few simple answers that, when understood, can help us to actually improve those relationships. If we know what the causes are, we will have a better chance to diffuse potentially volatile situations before they reach that point.

The first common cause we're going to address is proximity. It's easy to be more irritable with someone when we are around them so frequently. The more time we spend together, and the closer we are in those times will give more opportunities for our differences to stand out and start to rub each other the wrong way. More time together also means more opportunities to hurt and offend, even if they weren't intentional. The second aspect is familiarity. When we become familiar with people, we also tend to build assumptions off of that familiarity. Our fixed ideas of what to expect of the other person allows us to overstep our bounds, making decisions for the other person in ways that we would never do in any other relationship. We also know so many of their flaws and weaknesses that it makes it difficult to give them the grace and benefit of the doubt that we would extend to people we aren't so close to. The last common cause of family friction we're going to discuss today is the simple truth that we often take one another for granted. We get lost in the illusion that what always has been will always be and those people who have been there from the beginning will always be there in the future. Of course, we know that this isn't true. Even outside of death, life is often unpredictable and between college, careers, relationships and countless other things someone who is here today is not guaranteed to be here tomorrow. Feeling like we will always have the opportunity to seek rebuild a bridge, seek forgiveness or make amends is a very easy way to ensure we never do those things at all. Proximity, familiarity and taking each other for granted. How can we avoid these family conflict causes or make them work in our favor? First, we need to remember that tomorrow is not promised. Rather than taking those we are closest to for granted, we need to recognize that the opportunities you have with them today won't always be here. Make sure that your family doesn't have to assume your love but know it because you show it to them regularly. We have all known how frustrating it can be when people build assumptions and then use those to define us. Make sure that you aren't treating your family in the same way. People can change, they can grow and mature. People are also imperfect. One of the most difficult aspects of trying to grow is the lack of faith from those who should be the most supportive. Rather than waiting and expecting for them to fall back to old patterns, verbally recognize and praise the changes that you have seen, even when they're small. Always try to extend the grace you would want them to extend to you. Lastly, what do you do when your feeling too close? Give each other space. Don't be demanding about it, but as you are each continuing to grow and mature, the boundaries of your relationship will need to mature and be redefined as well. When you are together, be present and make sure they know that this time is theirs. Then, when you are not with them as much, they're love tank will still be full from last time. We would love for you to share why you are grateful for your family in the comments below! We might even pick some of our favorite comments to share during our live podcast at the end of the month! Next week, we will be discussing our school and workplace relationships. How can we develop healthy relationships that will be both rewarding and mutually beneficial? Come back next week to hear all about it!