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All month long, we’ve been asking the question “why?” Why do we date? Why wait to have sex? And today, we’ll continue as we ask, “Why should we get married at all?” We have good news, bad news and and one thing that most of us get wrong about marriage!
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Marriage is definitely not what it used to be. Maybe you’ve heard about the divorce rate in the U.S. - that somewhere near 50% of marriages today end up in divorce. Well, I do have some good news for you. The divorce rate in the United States is not now, nor has it ever been, as high as 50%. Those estimates initially came out back in the 70’s when divorce rates surged, in part due to the feminist movement which was gaining traction at the time. No-fault divorces also helped to make divorce a less damaging option than it had historically been and many sociologists expected that the rise they saw in that time would continue to increase as divorce was becoming destigmatized in the modern culture. The 50% divorce rate they expected, however, never actually materialized and, in fact, since the 70’s the national divorce rate has been on a continual decline. That’s great news, right?
Well, not exactly. While the divorce rate today is lower than our parents and even grandparents generations, the factors that play into that aren’t always the best. Firstly, fewer people are getting married. According to the 2020 Gallup values and beliefs poll, fewer Americans believe that couples with children should get married or that couples who intend to stay together for life should be married. The average age for men and women to get married in the U.S. has been steadily increasing, as well. In 1998, the average age for men to get married was 26.7 years old, while women were typically marrying at 25. As of 2021, men were typically getting married at 30.6 years old while women were marrying around 28 ½. Many people say their reasons for delaying marriage is to allow for financial stability to take place, for job and career security to be established and, many times, to simply know who you are and what you want in life before finding someone to live that life with. Whatever the reason, the result has been that marriages are being held off until later in life and, for an increasing number of people in the U.S., not happening at all. The question we have to ask ourselves now is, “is that really such a bad thing?”
Well, that all depends on what you want. If you want a family, with children who have the best statistical chance of developing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually, then the data irrefutably drives in favor of marriage between biological parents. According to the report, “Why Marriage Matters for Child Wellbeing,” David Ribar points to numerous mechanical factors comprised within the framework of the traditional marriage and family unit which help to strengthen security and stability for the child in multiple areas including joint finances, shared labor and responsibilities and overall efficiencies due to the nature of the established relationships. Those may sound like very cold calculations for something as emotionally invested as marriage and raising children, but they are consistent measurables which basically boil down to the fact that having two loving, supportive, committed and biological parents help to foster an environment which single parent or even co-habitating family units cannot replicate even with governmental social supports.
The health benefits of marriage on the couples themselves have also been well researched and documented. On average, married couples see
- live longer
· have fewer strokes and heart attacks
· have a lower chance of becoming depressed
· be less likely to have advanced cancer at the time of diagnosis and more likely to survive cancer for a longer period of time
· survive a major operation more often.
But, if marriage is really so great, then why is it often so hard? While the divorce rate is continually declining, that doesn’t mean that most marriages are healthy. Even though there are proven benefits for both the children and the couple themselves, we’re still talking about a lifelong commitment where we could both change and become different people 5, 10, 50 years from now. Is that really realistic? We’ve seen what the world has to say about marriage, but we have to remember that marriage was instituted by God. He designed it. He made the rules for it and He has a purpose for it.
Genesis 2:18 Tells us, "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
and then in Gensis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
God created us to be in relationship with each other and designed marriage to fulfill a specific relational requirement that we have. Now, as Christians, that does not mean that marriage is a pre-requisite or expectation. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes
"I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."
So, we are free to marry or not marry and neither is sinful. If we have the natural desire to marry, have sex and build a family, then we are exhorted to go ahead and do that without waiting too long. On the other hand, if we are just fine being single, then that frees us to be able to focus our attentions and energies on Kingdom work in the way that Paul is. There is, however, one way in which marriage is not only a blessing to the couple, or even to their families, but to the whole world and it is this area which exposes one of the biggest ways in which many of us get marriage wrong today.
Eph. 5:22-33 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Did you recognize the reference Paul made back to Genesis 2? What is interesting is that he draws the conclusion that marriage was always, from the very beginning, intended to be a reflection or a picture of Christ’s love for the Church. He’s telling us that when people look at our marriages, they should be able to get a glimpse of the Gospel. The big thing that most of us get wrong about marriage is that, in reality, our marriages really aren’t about us. This is a hard pill to swallow when we live in a culture that is continually elevating “self” as the center of the universe. Everything should be customized. Everything is uniquely made for you. Even our marriages take on this self-obsessed mentality; two selfish people find someone who makes them feel a way no one else ever did, they equate that feeling to love, and built on this “love” they make the decision to get married. Eventually, though, life hits, problems arise, pressure piles on, and you will no longer feel the same way you used to. So, you leave. You divorce. You get attention from someone at work and they spark that feeling again, so you convince yourself that this is the love you deserve and do it all over again. Again, marriage is not about you. Marriage is one of the greatest ways in which we can glorify and draw attention to the amazing love that Jesus has bestowed on us. It is also one of the greatest ways that God will use to mold us, sharpen us, challenge us and cause us to grow. Trust me, in a healthy marriage, you will have plenty of “iron sharpening iron” moments where your spouse is being used by God to sharpen your dull edges. Marriage is a blessing and in today’s self-worshipping culture, a selfless, committed, God-honoring and sacrificially loving marriage is a miracle, and it just might be the miracle the world needs to see.
Thank you for joining us today. Hopefully you’ve found this blog challenging, uplifting, inspiring. If so, let us know by giving it a like, or leaving a comment for us down below. Next week, I’ll be back to conclude our “Why?” series when we tackle one of the biggest questions Gen Z and Millennials are asking themselves, “Why even try?”
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